The Wicker Man

While watching this movie, I find it hard to believe it isn't directed by Uwe Boll. No, The Wicker Man manages to be a complete piece of shit without that douchebag's involvment. Although I wouldn't rule out the director being a fan of his work.

This film tells the story of a horrible California bike cop, not to be confused with the way awesome bike cops from CHiPs, who patrols the highways and is generally a dick. He is played by the always reliable Nicholas Cage, who demands that you "Give me your license and Registration!" Shut the fuck up, bike cop. Anyway, he witnesses a car with a mom and a little girl getting hit by a semi and blowing the F up, and then his life gets crappy, or something. The movie didn't really explain that part very well. Anyway, he is all moping, and then he gets a letter from his ex-fiance, which is written in impossibly good handwriting, telling him her daughter has gone missing and she needs his help. Spoiler alert that even the ghost of Helen Keller could have figured out: It's his fucking daughter too. Of course it is, wow what a twist! So he goes off to help the woman who broke his over-acting heart, and it turns out she lives in some strange convent/amish town which frowns upon outlanders. Hilarity ensues

Nothing beats a movie with dialoge that sounds like it was written for a 5th grade Japanese play and then translated to English. For example, Nic Cage opens a desk and a big crow flies out. Instead of exclaiming "HOLY SHIT!" or "WHOA!" like Joey Lawrence, he yells out "WHAT???" Come on, nobody gets almost pants shittingly scared and screams that. Especially when it involves big scary birds.

A re-occuring trend in this movie is Nic Cage imagining he is seeing that little girl getting splattered by a truck. Who would have thought that this horrible imagery would be so damn HILARIOUS? This is a sight gag that those assholes who keep making the Scary Movie films need to rip off.

One big surprise in this dumpster of a movie has been the presence of Leelee Sobieski. Jesus christ this bitch fell off the map. She was in Deep Impact, the............sorry, got distracted, just watched that little girl get hit by a semi for the 4th time. Anyway, she was in Deep Impact, Joyride, a very underrated movie starring Steve Zahn and that dumpshit Paul Walker. She was also in a movie called Glass Houses, which I never saw, but I assume it is about how when you live in one, you shouldn't throw stones. And on top of all that, she looked like she had a good enough 5-head going to make her the next Helen Hunt. Somehow though, she lost her way and ended up in this shitshow, and barely a supporting character in it no less. Okay, so I just IMDBed her, and she was also in the Uwe Boll movie In The Name Of The King, as well as the kinda shitty Public Enemies. These both came after Wicker Man, so it appears she still hasn't found her way. It's a shame, some of her new pictures make her look kinda hot.

The clip below pretty much sums up what this movie is all about



Thanks again, Nicholas Cage, for once again reminding all of us what it takes to be a good actor, or rather, how to spot a horrible actor.

Man, fuck this movie, but I would still recommend seeing it if you enjoy seeing Nic Cage in a bear costume punching out women. And it's not quite boring enough to fall asleep to, so I guess that is a plus too.