Sunday, April 25, 2010

Jurassic Park 3

Picture me in 2001. Top of the world, I just graduated high school somehow, school was out for summer, and the second sequel to my favorite movie, Jurassic Park, was out in theaters. Life couldn't get any better, but then I saw the movie.

Jurassic Park 3 broke my heart in a way only the most evil woman could do. E.L.O. know what I am talking about. This was a movie I had waited 5 long years for, or possibly my whole life for. Or so I thought. Jurassic Park 3 is so bad I am convinced it was only made to punish me for something I did wrong. I'm sorry Jesus, I didn't know you were watching me all those times. And if you were, shame on you!

This commercial is actually way sweeter than the movie.

Here is a plot summary of the movie, presented in a totally unjaded way. The movie starts out with a dickish looking man and a young boy chartering a boat off the coast of Isla Sorna, site B to the actual Dinosaur Park on Isla Nublar. Turns out these two want to do some parasailing over the coast of the island in an attempt to get a look at some dinosaurs. So the boat guys strap them in, and they proceed to soar over the island, all the while hooked into the harness together in a way that just screams wrong. Something eats the guys driving the boat, man and boy crash on the island. Cut to Alan Grant claiming that if not for the dinosaurs being wipped out, raptors might be the dominant species. After a Q&A session, Grant states no force on Earth could make him return to a dinosaur island, and returns to the site of a dino dig, where his funds are almost completely diminished. Tia Leonne and always mustached William H. Macy, known as Mr. and Mrs. Kirby, show up and ask Alan Grant to serve as a guide on a plane they chartered over the island, he accepts after being told they will pay him whatever he wants.
Grant, his assistant Billy, and the Kirbys and some macho men arrive on the island and land, despite Grant's strong objections. Soon, all the macho men are dead at the hands of a rather large dinosaur, and we learn the Kirbys are actually looking for the boy who went parasailing, who turns out to be their son. They do some searching, and discover he is still alive, 8 weeks later, because that would totally be possible on an island inhabited by the world's most dangerous predators, especially considering in the last movies, the world's foremost dino experts couldn't survive a weekend there. Anyway, family is reunited, dinosaurs are scary, and they make it off the island with the help of Elle Sattler, the botonist Grant apparently never popped the question to. The end, but not before we see a bunch of pterodactyls flying off into the sunset, and essentially their doom, because all the dinosaurs are licine deficient, which means they can't survive easily outside of the island. So here is to hoping they found a soybean farm to spend their remaining days on, otherwise that shit doesn't make any sense.

Where to start. First off, the Jurassic Park movies have always featured kids in them. The books have them too, and they can add an interesting dynamic, and help the films appeal to a younger audience and keep it at a PG-13 rating. My beef is with the kids' increasingly amazing survival abilities. Let's face it; kids are retarded, that's why they need babysitters and everything done for them. There were parts in the other JP movies where the kids were able to overcome the odds, and I know these are movies, but COME THE FUCK ON. The fucking kid in this movie, Eric, survives in an overturned truck for 8 weeks. Along the way, he managed to collect a bunch of food and supplies, as well as T-Rex piss. T-REX PISS. And just to remind you how stupid the movie thinks you are, throughout the course of the film the characters traverse across every location where this kid would have had to collect this stuff, and all the while are pursued by giant fucking dinosaurs. This kid would be eaten alive in no time. First off, he is like 12, so he isn't going to overpower anything. Second, by returning to the same place day in and day out he is letting the dinosaurs know exactly where is is going to be. They can smell you, dummy. Third, he is probably the first human to be on the island in like 5 years. His flesh would probably be like a delicacy to the dinosaurs. Or at least be like how we feel about stuff we haven't eaten in forever. Like right now I am thinking, "Man, I haven't had a Fizzoli's breadstick in forever, those things sure were tasty!" That's how the dinosaurs feel about Eric. They will eat the shit out of him, because they are sick of eating dinosaurs.
8 WEEKS! Off hand, here are the known carniverous dinosaurs I can name that are on the island: Tyrannosaurus, that big fucking one, I don't remember the name, I am just going to call it Megasaurus Egypticus. Velociraptors(TONS), Compys, pterodactyls, and Allosaurus. Plus, considering the island was site B to the main island and they did most the breeding and stuff here, there were probably Spitters and a whole buttload of other dinosaurs too. You are going to tell me he evaded all these species for that long? COME ON...

Probably my other biggest problem with the movie is the fact that it really serves no purpose, and doesn't add anything new and interesting to the series. Once again Alan Grant is roped into going to an island for the sole purpose of funding his dig site. Once again the movie returns to the same island as the last movie, with nothing changed. Once again some tourists get attacked by dinosaurs on the island while vacationing, just like the last movie.
In Jurassic Park, we got to learn about the park, how it came to be, what it took to make these creatures, and what they were capable of. In The Lost World, we learned that there was another island where everything actually happened, and we learned that the control of the company had been seized from John Hammond, and a group of mercinaries were called in to move the dinosaurs forcefully from their home to a new park in San Diego. This movie does nothing of the sort, instead just retreading the ol "Ahh! There are dinosaurs after us, we gotta get the fuck out of here!" theme of the last movies, without giving us anything new to consider. Sure, there is the whole bullshit Grant theory about the raptors being about to communicate with each other, but we have known that since the first movie. Remember the big speech he gave to that fat kid about him still being alive when they start to eat you? I do, and it made me afraid to go in my backyard for fear of getting eaten by raptors.

Another thing that sucks about this movie is the lack of new interesting characters. Besides the token survivors we all know from the first two movies, there have been plenty of others that added significantly to the story in each of those movies. In the first we had Ray Arnold, played by Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson. We had Robert Muldoon, the badass hunter who knew raptors were no joke, and they will eventually kill us all. He even complimented a dinosaur on being so good at hunting him right before it ate him. Clever girl indeed! We also had Dennis Nedry, played by Newman from Seinfeld.
In The Lost World, we got Julienne Moore, who, while I have never wanted to fuck her, added a lot to the film, and helped flesh out Ian Malcolm as a character. We also had Peter Stormaire, who may believe in nothing, Mr. Lebowski, but he did meet an almost hilarious bloody end at the hands of a bunch of tiny ass dinosaurs. We also got a new dickhead to hate in the form of John Hammond's nephew, and a new hunter to love in the form of Roland Tembo. Not to mention Vince Vaughn during one of his skinny phases.
In the Third movie, we get nobody. We get Billy, Grant's assistant, who gets very little screen time and doesn't do much of interest, besides steal some raptor eggs and apologize for it later. He did do some sweet parasailing though and got fucked up by dinosaurs, and that was cool. Besides him, everybody sucked. The Kirbys were annoying, and the one guy who was cool, Michael Jeter from fucking Evening Shade, dies like right away. God I hate this movie.

I guess in reality, my expectations for a JP movie are just always going to be so high that I will be dissapointed no matter what. I can live with being a little dissapointed, but the level of it that I get from Jurassic Park 3 is just too much. It is unbelievable even for a movie about dinosaurs, it isn't interesting and it adds nothing to the Jurassic Park canon. Man, fuck this movie. Fuck it hard, and fuck anyone responsible for it's creation. I'm going to write a 4th movie and every kid will die. Well maybe one will live, but he/she will still get pretty fucked up.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000

I know, I wasn't aware this movie had a subtitle either, especially one so horrendously bad.

Battlefield Earth is a movie widly viewed as the worse ever made. I haven't seen this movie since a couple years after it came out, which was ten years ago now. I remember watching it and liking it, but this was also during a time period when I was on a lot of vicodin due to a recent surgery. Besides watching Battlefield Earth and thinking it was awesome, I also played Animal Crossing for a month straight and cried while watching Joe Dirt over and over again. I also apparently slept sitting up while talking, the memory of which still gives my mom the creeps. The point is, I was a little messed up, so perhaps I am offering that up as an excuse as to why I liked a movie so many others absolutely hate. I am actually a little worried that I might still like it, and that scares me the most. Besides land sharks.

117 minutes later:
Yeah...maybe it's not so awesome.

The plot goes as follows: In the year 3000, man is an endangered species. What is left of the population have all reverted back to a caveman like state. The people are all dirty and have long hair, and use phrases like "Piece of cake", which is odd to me, because according to this movie cake is probably even more endangered than man, so the chances of anyone even knowing what cake is anymore is beyond me. Anyway, the people are all cavemen, and are convinced the stars are gods watching them, and they turned every human into statues. Then some monsters show up who are aliens, and they all laugh in a very snarky way. The aliens enslave the humans, and eventually let a particularily brave human played by Barry Pepper, who was the fucking sweet-ass sniper from Saving Private Ryan, learn their ways. He finds out the aliens kicked the humans' asses a long time ago, and he also finds out about the aliens themselves and figures out a way to beat them. The humans all stage a riot, and figure out a way to destroy the aliens' home planet and save their own.

It's weird, I almost want to thank the makers of this movie for making it 117 minutes long. But that's because if it wasn't shot so bad, it would have been a whole lot fucking longer than that. There is no concept of time in this movie. There is a part where Barry Pepper is trying to rally his fellow knuckle draggers and teach them the ways of war. In only seven goddamn days, he teaches them algebra, how to operate complex mining equipment to be used in alternative ways, and oh yeah, not to mention he teaches a whole gang of cavemen how to fly fucking Harrier Jets. No goddamn way. They flew them really well too, reminded me of Independence Day. Welcome to Earf, indeed.

Another thing that boggles the mind is John Travolta in this movie. This is his movie, he wanted to make it and be the star and what have you, but he is easily the worst part of the movie. He overacts, sometimes has a weird British accent thing going on, and substitutes other opportunities to act with bouts of maniacal laughter. Yeah cool dude, you want to play the villian, but you need to at least make your character likable, even if it's in the character you love to hate kind of way. He just plays the biggest douche, and it's hard to care about anything he is doing.

One bright spot for me was motherfucking Ghost Dog himself, Forest Whitaker. While he didn't really get a chance to add much substance to the film, he did manage to really look like Chewbacca in his make-up, and that made me smile.

During the end credits, I discovered that the movie is based on an L. Ron Hubbard novel. Hubbard is the shithead behind Scientology, and finding out this was based on his book brought the movie down an additional couple of notches too. I should have known though, damn Travolta and Tom Cruise always trying to get people to like Scientology.

From what I remember, Battlefield Earth was supposed to be an incredibly expensive movie, and after watching it, I gotta wonder where all the money went to. None of the costumes are that impressive, half the movie is filmed in locations like dairy barns and factories, and all the major battles are done using miniature models of buildings and super crappy CGI airplane battles. It looked less like a big budget movie and more like an episode of Stargate.

The last thing that I am having trouble with is the way they portrayed human civilization in the future. When you think of how far the human race came in 1000 years, to think that Aliens attacking us now, and as a result in 1000 years we will all regress to a primitive state, that just doesn't sound believable.

In conclusion, after viewing this movie again for the first time in about 8 years, I can't say that I hate it. The premise of the movie, although paced badly and ridiculous, was pretty cool. It was just the acting, the plot, and the special effects that make me say Fuck This Movie.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

The Wicker Man

While watching this movie, I find it hard to believe it isn't directed by Uwe Boll. No, The Wicker Man manages to be a complete piece of shit without that douchebag's involvment. Although I wouldn't rule out the director being a fan of his work.

This film tells the story of a horrible California bike cop, not to be confused with the way awesome bike cops from CHiPs, who patrols the highways and is generally a dick. He is played by the always reliable Nicholas Cage, who demands that you "Give me your license and Registration!" Shut the fuck up, bike cop. Anyway, he witnesses a car with a mom and a little girl getting hit by a semi and blowing the F up, and then his life gets crappy, or something. The movie didn't really explain that part very well. Anyway, he is all moping, and then he gets a letter from his ex-fiance, which is written in impossibly good handwriting, telling him her daughter has gone missing and she needs his help. Spoiler alert that even the ghost of Helen Keller could have figured out: It's his fucking daughter too. Of course it is, wow what a twist! So he goes off to help the woman who broke his over-acting heart, and it turns out she lives in some strange convent/amish town which frowns upon outlanders. Hilarity ensues

Nothing beats a movie with dialoge that sounds like it was written for a 5th grade Japanese play and then translated to English. For example, Nic Cage opens a desk and a big crow flies out. Instead of exclaiming "HOLY SHIT!" or "WHOA!" like Joey Lawrence, he yells out "WHAT???" Come on, nobody gets almost pants shittingly scared and screams that. Especially when it involves big scary birds.

A re-occuring trend in this movie is Nic Cage imagining he is seeing that little girl getting splattered by a truck. Who would have thought that this horrible imagery would be so damn HILARIOUS? This is a sight gag that those assholes who keep making the Scary Movie films need to rip off.

One big surprise in this dumpster of a movie has been the presence of Leelee Sobieski. Jesus christ this bitch fell off the map. She was in Deep Impact, the............sorry, got distracted, just watched that little girl get hit by a semi for the 4th time. Anyway, she was in Deep Impact, Joyride, a very underrated movie starring Steve Zahn and that dumpshit Paul Walker. She was also in a movie called Glass Houses, which I never saw, but I assume it is about how when you live in one, you shouldn't throw stones. And on top of all that, she looked like she had a good enough 5-head going to make her the next Helen Hunt. Somehow though, she lost her way and ended up in this shitshow, and barely a supporting character in it no less. Okay, so I just IMDBed her, and she was also in the Uwe Boll movie In The Name Of The King, as well as the kinda shitty Public Enemies. These both came after Wicker Man, so it appears she still hasn't found her way. It's a shame, some of her new pictures make her look kinda hot.

The clip below pretty much sums up what this movie is all about

Thanks again, Nicholas Cage, for once again reminding all of us what it takes to be a good actor, or rather, how to spot a horrible actor.

Man, fuck this movie, but I would still recommend seeing it if you enjoy seeing Nic Cage in a bear costume punching out women. And it's not quite boring enough to fall asleep to, so I guess that is a plus too.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

An Essay about Brendan Fraser

First off, I know I haven't blogged in a LONG time. Times are tough. Or maybe Netflix has been adding way too many awesome tv shows to Instant Watch and I haven't really got around to watching any shitty movies.
Since it has been awhile, I figured why not return to the blogosphere with something a little different. The idea came to me while watching a movie that really was pretty shitty, but I still had to like it because it featured baseball and some dimwit with supernatural athletic skills. This shit is like Hamlet to me. That movie was The Scout, and this essay is about Brendan Fraser.

Here at Man Fuck That Movie, I don't really like to research anything, and don't really like to cite my sources either. So this is just one man's opinion on a troubling matter. HOW THE FUCK IS BRENDAN FRASER A MAJOR HOLLYWOOD ACTOR???

This dude is fucking dumb. I mean just look at the guy. He has big ass bug eyes, and he always looks all pale and flabby. I don't really know if he ever graced the pages of Tiger Beat or Seventeen magazine, but I am willing to bet he did since girls are fucking stupid. How is he hot, ladies?

What got me on this whole kick in the first place involved me watching The Scout for the first time. Upon viewing it, I realized that this stupid bastard has been playing the same role in every movie. "Oh really, Nate?" is what you might be saying. "Shut the fuck up" is what I might be saying. Check the sorta-facts:

Encino Man - Plays caveman unfrozen in modern day (1990's) California. Hilarity ensues while he tries to fit in with the high school youth. Later he freaks out and has a panic attack, and almost runs away.

Blast From the Past - plays youth of the cold war trapped in bomb shelter only to be let out in the 1990's. Hilarity ensues when he realizes how much society has changed in 30 years. Tries to woo a girl and sell his sweet baseball cards. Also meets a real live negro. Has panic attack when this big new world proves to be more than he was ready for, almost locks himself back into bomb shelter. (P.S. I FUCKING LOVE THIS MOVIE)

The Scout - Plays pitching phenom from Mexico who is brought to New York to play for the Yankees. Hilarity ensues when he behaves like a damn moron at a press conference and when he steals Tony Bennett's closing song from him at a concert. Freaks out after confronting daddy issues and nearly bitches out of pitching in the World Series, just like a little bitch.

The Mummy - Plays a combination of Indiana Jones and Han Solo who is in Egypt to dig up tombs. Hilarity ensues when he pisses off a mummy who chases him all around the desert. Freaks out when he realizes this is the biggest movie he will ever star in, and nearly walks away from movies for good, but unfortunately doesn't. Instead makes two Mummy Sequels, Bedazzled, George of the Jungle, Dudley Do Right, Muppets take Manhattan, and that boring looking movie with Harrison Ford where they play doctors.

So, in closing, Fuck Brendan Fraser. The jig is up, you fish-out-of-water fuck. If you want to make a sequel to Blast from the Past, though, please do. You should try to get Alicia Siverstone in it too, although by now I am sure she weighs like 900 pounds or some shit.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

The Adventures of Pluto Nash

As I sit here in the comfort of my own home, staring at all the wonderful trinkets and gadgets that adorn my room, I can't help wonder why I am about to leave it all to visit a dark place. A place where happiness dies. A place involving Eddie Murphy in space. I mean, there is really no good reason to watch this. When I think of the things I could be doing instead, it just makes me sad. I could be playing my copy of Mass Effect 2, a game that takes place in space and kicks fucking ass. Or I could watch an episode of my nerdy new favorite show, Legend of the Seeker. I could even watch an episode of shitty shitty Heroes, a show about super heroes, yet nobody uses their powers, they just sit around and cry about how hard college is and how gay their circus is. Yeah this is a blog about shitty movies, but I have heard from many sources that this one takes the cake. Hell, I could die from this.

I am going into this movie pretty blind. Here is what I know: It "stars" (Space joke, probably funnier than any joke in this fucking movie)Eddie Murphy, he is in space, I think he runs a space bar(not the keyboard button) and it is going to be a steaming pile. Since this is an Eddie Murphy movie made after 1996, I can assume it will be completely devoid of any real humor. I can also assume that it will involve him playing multiple roles, probably at least one as a woman, and probably in a fat suit. The movie will have terrible visual effects, most of them involving Eddie's body parts enlarging to "comical" proportions, and he will probably sing some random pop song at some point that will not evoke even the tinniest of chuckles.

Well, here I go. Hopefully watching this movie will give me a better understanding of what it means to be a hero. By saving you from watching what will 100% most likely be the worst movie ever, I might gain a better understanding of why firemen run into burning buildings to save old ladies, or why that Chinese dude stood in front of that tank back in the day. I will be your hero, baby. Wish me luck...

94 impossibly long minutes later...

Jesus fucking christ. Dick Tracy and Space Jam fucked and The Adventures of Pluto Nash is their bastard space son. Turns out I was kinda right about a few things. Eddie Murphy did play various roles, but only as a clone to himself, as part of a twist ending that lacked the twist part. He also visited some space plastic surgeon who let him try out different body types, so I was sorta right about the whole fat suit thing too.

One thing that kept bothering me was the star power in this film. I'm not talking about Eddie Murphy, fuck that guy. I am talking about the supporting cast. The love interest in this movie was Rosario fucking Dawson. Yeah, THAT Rosario Dawson. Otherwise known as one of the five most beautiful creatures to ever grace this planet or the stupid future moon. She is so much better than this movie. It also features Joe Pantoliano, who only 3 years earlier played Cypher in The Matrix, and also had roles in The Fugitive/U.S. Marshalls and Memento, to name a few. What the fuck dude, you don't need this shit. I guess Ignorance really is bliss you turncoat bastard, I'm glad Tank fried your ass. R.I.P. Dozer. Alec Baldwin played a minor role, and to be fair, he was only featured on a news break in the movie. So in his defense, he could have thought he was shooting a scene for a much better movie, he had nothing to do with Eddie Murphy in his scene. Randy Quaid played a fucking robot in this movie, a fucking crazy robot, and it appeared to be a role he didn't have to prepare for that much. Randy Quaid is nuts in real life, and seeing him in this movie run around with guns and a huge smile on his face while he slaps robot ass really doesn't seem much like a stretch for him.

On the subject of characters, there was one that was so totally bizzare I couldn't keep my eyes off of him. Going into this movie, I had the feeling that there would be a midget involved in some major way, or some person on the same level of weirdness as a midget. Boy was I wrong. In the movie, Eddie and the most beautiful girl in the world Rosario Dawson are running away from bad guys who want Pluto dead because he owns a club that plays space remixes to Outkast songs. Well, Joe Pantoliano's main henchman is the weirdest thing I have seen in a long time. He was played by this Albino cross eyed dude, and I couldn't stop staring at him. He was just so ugly, yet so transfixing. He was like the perfect storm of ugly, and I couldn't tell if he was just a white ass white guy, or a super duper white black guy. He was like every race, but no race. I don't understand how he even exists, something is very wrong.

I remember reading about how this movie took hundreds of millions of dollars to make, and only grossed like 20 million. While watching this, I was trying to figure out where all the money went, and I just came up empty. Yeah I am sure a lot of it went to the cast, but Louis Guzman, as awesome as he is, isn't going to command a multi-million dollar contract. I was expecting to at least be treated to awesome CGI visuals, but instead the look of the movie fell somewhere between the first Men in Black and this interactive porno I once watched called Lust in Space.

My whole noble cause of watching this movie was all for you. I wanted to save you the trouble of ever having to witness this crap, and to help you out, and help you to be more convincing with when someone asks you for reasons why this movie shouldn't be watched, I will give you a plot summary.
The movie opens in a shitty space club on the moon, in a city called "Little America." Little America also strangely resembles the city on Mars in Total Recall, but sadly I spotted no three-boobed ladies, and Randy Quaid is definitely not the real Quaid. Jay Mohr plays some douche who owns the bar and sings every night while wearing a kilt and playing an accordian. His club is dirty and gross, and some mob guys are like "Hey you owe us 2.4 million dollars, and yeah that one mob guy is played by Paulie from Rocky." Pluto Nash steps up, says leave my friend Jay Mohr and his awesome Walken impression alone, and I will buy the club from you instead. Club Shitty becomes Club Pluto, everybody dances to horrible moon remixes of songs that mention the word moon in them at some point, and everyone dresses like the Neutrinos from the Ninja Turtles cartoons. Cypher and the Albino thing tell Pluto to sell them his club for ten million dollars or else. He says no, they blow up his club, try to kill him, and now he and his new waitress/singer Rosario Will You Marry Me Dawson are on the run. He meets non-interesting characters along the way, nothing is funny, and at the end he meets up with the employer of the people who want to kill him, who turns out to be a clone of Pluto. This explains how he henchmen knew where to find Pluto while he was on the run, not that they couldn't have followed the trail of gunshots, stolen cars voiced by John Cleese, and robots sexually harassing other robots. Pluto kills fake Pluto, re-opens new and improved bar, Rosario Angel Goddess Dawson is now the singer, and Randy Batshit Crazy Quaid is the new manager, and the final scene closes out on Pluto kicking back and smoking a cigar, something he has wanted to do since the first scene of the movie.

I can't help but wonder what he was thinking during that last scene. I would like to think that he was pondering why he didn't stop after the first Nutty Professor. Or why he did the third Bevery Hills Cop. Or why I Spy was actually somehow not that bad. Or why Another 48 Hours is the most boring fucking buddy cop movie ever. No buddy cop movie should be boring.

Okay, I'm rambling, but I just wanted you to know how many reasons there are to never ever watch this movie. Sitting through this was really hard, especially when I could overhear my roommates watching Inglourious Basterds in the other room. Boy I wish I was watching that instead. A movie with laughter, with characters, with no Albino freaks. You owe me.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Transformers 2

Those who know me well know that I LOVE movies. Well at least the majority of them anyway. Even movies that are just so-so, I usually try to find something nice to like about them, because most movies have at least one redeeming quality. This is not the case with Transformers 2.

For those of you who don't remember, at the end of the first Transformers, the Autobots defeated the bulk of the Decepticons, including their leader, Megatron. In order to prevent the Decepticons from coming to power again, the humans and surviving Autobots take Megatron's remains and dump him in the Mariana Trench. According to the movie, this trench is pretty fucking deep, and the pressure is so great that anything dropped down there will be crushed and imploded and shit. So of course in Transformers 2, a bunch of Decepticons dive down to re-activate Megatron, and of course none of them get crushed to death, and they get Megatron working again without any issues. What the fuck? Did the writers just assume everyone forgot about the end of the first movie? Were there even writers? A glimse into what a Michael Bay writers session might be like:

Michael Bay: "Okay, now get this! We are gonna make this movie exactly like the last one, only we are gonna spend a shitload more money! This time, we're gonna have bigger robots, bigger explosions, way more jive-talking robots, and like 3 times as many camera shots where the camera pans around dudes getting into fucking planes and shit."

What's funny is it took me a loooong time to come around to the first Transformers movie. I actually got to see it like ten days before it's official release, and it made my year to tell every fucking nerd I could find about how shitty it was. And then I saw Transformers 2, and suddenly the first movie didn't seem so bad anymore. Actually, I realized that I kinda liked the first movie now. Transformers 2 makes everything else so much better in comparison. It made me actually think Paul Blart: Mall Cop was a decent movie. It even made me realize that maybe pickles weren't so bad after all, and I left them on my cheeseburger.

Speaking of beef, I got a bone to pick with the whole concept of this movie. Here is a brief plot summary: Sam Witwicki is a boy who has it all; A loving family, a hot-as-fuck girfriend, a fucking robot/car/best friend, and an in with an army of transforming robots who treat him like he is royalty. There is only one thing he can do now: Move a thousand miles away from his too hot for him girlfriend, tell your robot car buddy you don't want him around anymore, and go to fucking college. COLLEGE. This dude has a pretty fucking sweet life, and he wants to go to school. He could be like Knight Rider, or Spy Hunter, or at the very least like that gaylord that drove Kirby the Love Bug around. Fuck that shit.

I know movies have contained negative racial stereotypes since forever, but Transformers 2 has some of the worst racist crap in it since black face. There are these two transformers, I think their names are like Skid Mark and Mud Slide or something. Anyway, they talk even more jive than Jazz from the first movie, and they say nothing but stupid ass shit. These robots from space have an intimate knowledge of the Earth and it's history, yet they all talk like dumbasses. Also, they look like monkeys, and they can't read. I am all for comic relief in action movies, but these dudes aren't funny.

Another reason this movie is so fucking stupid: The "old" Transformer who turns into the SR71 Blackbird plane. When he is not in his plane form, he is this decrepid looking robot with a robot beard and a cane. That's right, a robot with a cane. FIX YOURSELF, DUDE! There are other robots in this movie that are just as old as this motherfucker, and they don't have beards and canes. How does a robot grow a robot beard anyway? Stupid. Also, according to him he has no idea what the status of the robot civil war is, the one that went on hundreds of years ago. Yet, he has taken the form of a plane that has only been around since the mid-60's. So, according to that logic, he has only been hiding out for around 40 years. Surely he would have known what went down with their stupid war. Especially since the first movie made it known that Megatron was stuck in a fucking glacier until the 1900's.

Just thinking about this movie is making me pissed off. This isn't a movie I should hate. It has awesome robot cars duking it out and blowing the shit out of everything in sight. It just boggles my mind how a movie that needs to be about so little can still be screwed up so badly. Yet Michael Bay found a way. Just like he did with the Friday the 13th remake, and just like he will with the Nightmare on Elm Street remake as well. Fuck that guy.

In case you haven't been processing what I have been saying, there is nothing good about this movie. Being a guy who grew up playing with these toys, I can admitt that this movie has sweet robot explosion action, and nice eye candy in Megan Fox. Sadly, all the robots and hot chicks don't make up for a lack of a cohesive story and character development. Sam has trouble telling Megan Fox he loves her? PLEASE. Any dude out there would do everything he could to lock her down, most of us would do horrible horrible things to get with that girl. Like ice an entire troup of girl scouts.

So there you have it, a nerd's perspective on how not to make a movie for nerds. I could have gone on and on about every other thing I hated about this movie, but this is a blog post, not a college dissertation. Fuck Transformers 2. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK IT.

Monday, December 28, 2009

The Postman

Boy oh boy do I love me some post-apocalyptic movies. Love 'em. This is what originally drew me to The Postman in the first place. That was seven or eight years ago. I remember thinking that it was okay, just a little bit long and weird though. That was then, and going into it now I have little assurance that this movie is going to be tolerable to watch, especially when you factor in the built-in shitfest effect that comes with every Kevin Costner movie.

The Plot:
Kevin Costner stars as himself, well not really, but he is the same goddamn character in every movie. Anyway, it's the future, not really sure when, but there was another world war or a plague or something, and common people are threatened by roving bands of pseudo-military forces who think they are in charge. Costner is a guy who gets thrown into a battle he wanted nothing to do with in the first place.

The Approach:
This fucking movie is 177 god forsaken minutes long, so I have decided to pause it every now and then and write about what I see. It's the only way to combat my brain's natural tendency to not remember anything about this stupid flick.

Okay, so the movie starts out with Costner talking to his mule, named Bill. Then he jumps on a trampoline in the middle of the desert in what appears to be the American southwest. Oh, and then they show a lion. Just like in fucking Narnia, I shit you not. The chances of a lion existing in America decades after the fall of civilization, and ZOOS, is pretty fucking small. Lion burgers anyone?

So then we find out that Costner is a nomad of sorts, traveling the land with his mule, only stopping into towns to get food and supplies. And what does he trade with to get these supplies you ask? Why, his acting talents, of course. This plot development has so far lead to two awesome scenes. In one, some guy comes up to him and tells him he fucking sucks at acting(SWEET) and in the next he gets in a Shakespeare line battle with some army guy, and gets his ass whipped verbally by said army guy. Costner says all the gay lines like "Too be or not to be" and this kickass army guy (don't know his name, but he was the dude in Armageddon who told his wife to give a toy spaceship to his son)came at him with every radical military inspirational line Shakespeare ever wrote. So even in a movie starring, directed, and produced by Costner, he still gets his one-dimensional ass beat by some brutish thug in nothing more than the equivelent of a play rehearsal. Pathetic.

Alright, so now he is in some huge prison/army training camp in the desert. We are introduced to Giovanni Ribissi's character, and big suprise, he plays a fucking weirdo in this one too. And apparently, they play movies on a huge drive in screen for all the residents of this camp at night. This camp is full of huge muscle-bound freaks who probably would listen to 93X if they could. Anyway, the projectionist puts on a movie. It is Universal Soldier, the crowd boos. He puts on The Sound Of Music, and they all quiet down; enthrawled by what they see on screen. Army dudes, booing an action flick in favor of a musical? What the fuck?

After jumping off a 100 foot tall bridge into a raging river, stabbing Giovanni Ribissi to death, and watching an army thug get mauled by that lion from the beginning of the movie, once again Costner is on his own, but at least he is away from that crazy military operation. They had began calling Costner "Shakespeare", which just seems wrong when you consider he was the greatest playwright in history, and Costner is mostly known for being a total shitbag actor, even though he is in some awesome movies.

So to escape certain death in what can only be described as a mild rain shower, Costner, or KC as I may begin referring to him as, seeks refuge in the wreck of an old mail truck. In this truck, he finds a Zippo lighter, and when it produces a flame, proceeds to make caveman noises. Then he talks to the skeleton of the dead postal worker, and reads a bunch of 15 year old mail. I guess this is where he decides that dressing like a postman is a brilliant idea and will make the whole plot make sense. Riiiiight.

Okay this is where things get kinda boring. He meets this chick who needs his sperm because her man's boys don't swim, so they bang, and it is pretty sexy banging for a sperm donation, if you ask me. After they get down, the bad guys kill the girl's husband, and she escapes to the woods with KC, who has been shot in the stomach, and she takes care of him in a cabin for like 3 fucking months. BORING. In the meantime, a whole crap load of kids who were inspired by KC decide to be postmen too, so when he returns to town there are like a hundred of them. Around this time I got really bored and started watching a video about Domino's Pizza and their new pizza, and I gotta say, that was way more entertaining and delicious looking. Although the girl that KC bangs was pretty attractive, and I saw her boobs, for a pretty long time too. Much longer than you usually get with a PG-13 movie...

Well it appears the new postal service is up and running. At every town the postmen go to, there is much rejoicing. Bill and Ted would probably say that everything is "most non hanus". At one of these festive events, a band is playing "Come and Get Your Love". This perplexes me because I don't know if they are covering the Redbone version, or the Real McCoy version. I would like to think they are covering the crappy 90's sorta-techno song though.

There is a bunch more drama, blah blah blah, woman and surrogate father KC finally hook up, and the postal service defeats an army.


In summary, I really don't know what the hell I just watched. For awhile there it looked like Waterworld, then it became Mad Max:Beyond Thunderdome, and then it just turned into this huge fucking Civil War battle. I will do my best with a Pros and Cons list, but in all honesty, I am just very confused right now.

What was kinda cool:
1. Estimated year 2020 Tom Petty looked the same age as 1997 Tom Petty. Actually that's not cool at all, I just really wanted some pros for this list. Oh well...

Man Fuck This Movie Because:
1. It's 20 years in the future and nobody drives cars at all anymore? Fuck you.
2. Kevin Costner doesn't know how to talk to and act around women in movies. He is awkward around them, and is snippy as hell. Fuck that guy.
3. It's so goddamned long. Seriously, cut an hour out of this bitch, including KC's failed attempt at romance, and get this show on the road. It was a chore to stay awake for this one. Thank god for that Domino's video...