Tuesday, February 2, 2010

The Adventures of Pluto Nash

As I sit here in the comfort of my own home, staring at all the wonderful trinkets and gadgets that adorn my room, I can't help wonder why I am about to leave it all to visit a dark place. A place where happiness dies. A place involving Eddie Murphy in space. I mean, there is really no good reason to watch this. When I think of the things I could be doing instead, it just makes me sad. I could be playing my copy of Mass Effect 2, a game that takes place in space and kicks fucking ass. Or I could watch an episode of my nerdy new favorite show, Legend of the Seeker. I could even watch an episode of shitty shitty Heroes, a show about super heroes, yet nobody uses their powers, they just sit around and cry about how hard college is and how gay their circus is. Yeah this is a blog about shitty movies, but I have heard from many sources that this one takes the cake. Hell, I could die from this.

I am going into this movie pretty blind. Here is what I know: It "stars" (Space joke, probably funnier than any joke in this fucking movie)Eddie Murphy, he is in space, I think he runs a space bar(not the keyboard button) and it is going to be a steaming pile. Since this is an Eddie Murphy movie made after 1996, I can assume it will be completely devoid of any real humor. I can also assume that it will involve him playing multiple roles, probably at least one as a woman, and probably in a fat suit. The movie will have terrible visual effects, most of them involving Eddie's body parts enlarging to "comical" proportions, and he will probably sing some random pop song at some point that will not evoke even the tinniest of chuckles.

Well, here I go. Hopefully watching this movie will give me a better understanding of what it means to be a hero. By saving you from watching what will 100% most likely be the worst movie ever, I might gain a better understanding of why firemen run into burning buildings to save old ladies, or why that Chinese dude stood in front of that tank back in the day. I will be your hero, baby. Wish me luck...

94 impossibly long minutes later...

Jesus fucking christ. Dick Tracy and Space Jam fucked and The Adventures of Pluto Nash is their bastard space son. Turns out I was kinda right about a few things. Eddie Murphy did play various roles, but only as a clone to himself, as part of a twist ending that lacked the twist part. He also visited some space plastic surgeon who let him try out different body types, so I was sorta right about the whole fat suit thing too.

One thing that kept bothering me was the star power in this film. I'm not talking about Eddie Murphy, fuck that guy. I am talking about the supporting cast. The love interest in this movie was Rosario fucking Dawson. Yeah, THAT Rosario Dawson. Otherwise known as one of the five most beautiful creatures to ever grace this planet or the stupid future moon. She is so much better than this movie. It also features Joe Pantoliano, who only 3 years earlier played Cypher in The Matrix, and also had roles in The Fugitive/U.S. Marshalls and Memento, to name a few. What the fuck dude, you don't need this shit. I guess Ignorance really is bliss you turncoat bastard, I'm glad Tank fried your ass. R.I.P. Dozer. Alec Baldwin played a minor role, and to be fair, he was only featured on a news break in the movie. So in his defense, he could have thought he was shooting a scene for a much better movie, he had nothing to do with Eddie Murphy in his scene. Randy Quaid played a fucking robot in this movie, a fucking crazy robot, and it appeared to be a role he didn't have to prepare for that much. Randy Quaid is nuts in real life, and seeing him in this movie run around with guns and a huge smile on his face while he slaps robot ass really doesn't seem much like a stretch for him.

On the subject of characters, there was one that was so totally bizzare I couldn't keep my eyes off of him. Going into this movie, I had the feeling that there would be a midget involved in some major way, or some person on the same level of weirdness as a midget. Boy was I wrong. In the movie, Eddie and the most beautiful girl in the world Rosario Dawson are running away from bad guys who want Pluto dead because he owns a club that plays space remixes to Outkast songs. Well, Joe Pantoliano's main henchman is the weirdest thing I have seen in a long time. He was played by this Albino cross eyed dude, and I couldn't stop staring at him. He was just so ugly, yet so transfixing. He was like the perfect storm of ugly, and I couldn't tell if he was just a white ass white guy, or a super duper white black guy. He was like every race, but no race. I don't understand how he even exists, something is very wrong.

I remember reading about how this movie took hundreds of millions of dollars to make, and only grossed like 20 million. While watching this, I was trying to figure out where all the money went, and I just came up empty. Yeah I am sure a lot of it went to the cast, but Louis Guzman, as awesome as he is, isn't going to command a multi-million dollar contract. I was expecting to at least be treated to awesome CGI visuals, but instead the look of the movie fell somewhere between the first Men in Black and this interactive porno I once watched called Lust in Space.

My whole noble cause of watching this movie was all for you. I wanted to save you the trouble of ever having to witness this crap, and to help you out, and help you to be more convincing with when someone asks you for reasons why this movie shouldn't be watched, I will give you a plot summary.
The movie opens in a shitty space club on the moon, in a city called "Little America." Little America also strangely resembles the city on Mars in Total Recall, but sadly I spotted no three-boobed ladies, and Randy Quaid is definitely not the real Quaid. Jay Mohr plays some douche who owns the bar and sings every night while wearing a kilt and playing an accordian. His club is dirty and gross, and some mob guys are like "Hey you owe us 2.4 million dollars, and yeah that one mob guy is played by Paulie from Rocky." Pluto Nash steps up, says leave my friend Jay Mohr and his awesome Walken impression alone, and I will buy the club from you instead. Club Shitty becomes Club Pluto, everybody dances to horrible moon remixes of songs that mention the word moon in them at some point, and everyone dresses like the Neutrinos from the Ninja Turtles cartoons. Cypher and the Albino thing tell Pluto to sell them his club for ten million dollars or else. He says no, they blow up his club, try to kill him, and now he and his new waitress/singer Rosario Will You Marry Me Dawson are on the run. He meets non-interesting characters along the way, nothing is funny, and at the end he meets up with the employer of the people who want to kill him, who turns out to be a clone of Pluto. This explains how he henchmen knew where to find Pluto while he was on the run, not that they couldn't have followed the trail of gunshots, stolen cars voiced by John Cleese, and robots sexually harassing other robots. Pluto kills fake Pluto, re-opens new and improved bar, Rosario Angel Goddess Dawson is now the singer, and Randy Batshit Crazy Quaid is the new manager, and the final scene closes out on Pluto kicking back and smoking a cigar, something he has wanted to do since the first scene of the movie.

I can't help but wonder what he was thinking during that last scene. I would like to think that he was pondering why he didn't stop after the first Nutty Professor. Or why he did the third Bevery Hills Cop. Or why I Spy was actually somehow not that bad. Or why Another 48 Hours is the most boring fucking buddy cop movie ever. No buddy cop movie should be boring.

Okay, I'm rambling, but I just wanted you to know how many reasons there are to never ever watch this movie. Sitting through this was really hard, especially when I could overhear my roommates watching Inglourious Basterds in the other room. Boy I wish I was watching that instead. A movie with laughter, with characters, with no Albino freaks. You owe me.