First off, I know I haven't blogged in a LONG time. Times are tough. Or maybe Netflix has been adding way too many awesome tv shows to Instant Watch and I haven't really got around to watching any shitty movies.
Since it has been awhile, I figured why not return to the blogosphere with something a little different. The idea came to me while watching a movie that really was pretty shitty, but I still had to like it because it featured baseball and some dimwit with supernatural athletic skills. This shit is like Hamlet to me. That movie was The Scout, and this essay is about Brendan Fraser.
Here at Man Fuck That Movie, I don't really like to research anything, and don't really like to cite my sources either. So this is just one man's opinion on a troubling matter. HOW THE FUCK IS BRENDAN FRASER A MAJOR HOLLYWOOD ACTOR???
This dude is fucking dumb. I mean just look at the guy. He has big ass bug eyes, and he always looks all pale and flabby. I don't really know if he ever graced the pages of Tiger Beat or Seventeen magazine, but I am willing to bet he did since girls are fucking stupid. How is he hot, ladies?
What got me on this whole kick in the first place involved me watching The Scout for the first time. Upon viewing it, I realized that this stupid bastard has been playing the same role in every movie. "Oh really, Nate?" is what you might be saying. "Shut the fuck up" is what I might be saying. Check the sorta-facts:
Encino Man - Plays caveman unfrozen in modern day (1990's) California. Hilarity ensues while he tries to fit in with the high school youth. Later he freaks out and has a panic attack, and almost runs away.
Blast From the Past - plays youth of the cold war trapped in bomb shelter only to be let out in the 1990's. Hilarity ensues when he realizes how much society has changed in 30 years. Tries to woo a girl and sell his sweet baseball cards. Also meets a real live negro. Has panic attack when this big new world proves to be more than he was ready for, almost locks himself back into bomb shelter. (P.S. I FUCKING LOVE THIS MOVIE)
The Scout - Plays pitching phenom from Mexico who is brought to New York to play for the Yankees. Hilarity ensues when he behaves like a damn moron at a press conference and when he steals Tony Bennett's closing song from him at a concert. Freaks out after confronting daddy issues and nearly bitches out of pitching in the World Series, just like a little bitch.
The Mummy - Plays a combination of Indiana Jones and Han Solo who is in Egypt to dig up tombs. Hilarity ensues when he pisses off a mummy who chases him all around the desert. Freaks out when he realizes this is the biggest movie he will ever star in, and nearly walks away from movies for good, but unfortunately doesn't. Instead makes two Mummy Sequels, Bedazzled, George of the Jungle, Dudley Do Right, Muppets take Manhattan, and that boring looking movie with Harrison Ford where they play doctors.
So, in closing, Fuck Brendan Fraser. The jig is up, you fish-out-of-water fuck. If you want to make a sequel to Blast from the Past, though, please do. You should try to get Alicia Siverstone in it too, although by now I am sure she weighs like 900 pounds or some shit.