Sunday, April 25, 2010

Jurassic Park 3

Picture me in 2001. Top of the world, I just graduated high school somehow, school was out for summer, and the second sequel to my favorite movie, Jurassic Park, was out in theaters. Life couldn't get any better, but then I saw the movie.

Jurassic Park 3 broke my heart in a way only the most evil woman could do. E.L.O. know what I am talking about. This was a movie I had waited 5 long years for, or possibly my whole life for. Or so I thought. Jurassic Park 3 is so bad I am convinced it was only made to punish me for something I did wrong. I'm sorry Jesus, I didn't know you were watching me all those times. And if you were, shame on you!

This commercial is actually way sweeter than the movie.

Here is a plot summary of the movie, presented in a totally unjaded way. The movie starts out with a dickish looking man and a young boy chartering a boat off the coast of Isla Sorna, site B to the actual Dinosaur Park on Isla Nublar. Turns out these two want to do some parasailing over the coast of the island in an attempt to get a look at some dinosaurs. So the boat guys strap them in, and they proceed to soar over the island, all the while hooked into the harness together in a way that just screams wrong. Something eats the guys driving the boat, man and boy crash on the island. Cut to Alan Grant claiming that if not for the dinosaurs being wipped out, raptors might be the dominant species. After a Q&A session, Grant states no force on Earth could make him return to a dinosaur island, and returns to the site of a dino dig, where his funds are almost completely diminished. Tia Leonne and always mustached William H. Macy, known as Mr. and Mrs. Kirby, show up and ask Alan Grant to serve as a guide on a plane they chartered over the island, he accepts after being told they will pay him whatever he wants.
Grant, his assistant Billy, and the Kirbys and some macho men arrive on the island and land, despite Grant's strong objections. Soon, all the macho men are dead at the hands of a rather large dinosaur, and we learn the Kirbys are actually looking for the boy who went parasailing, who turns out to be their son. They do some searching, and discover he is still alive, 8 weeks later, because that would totally be possible on an island inhabited by the world's most dangerous predators, especially considering in the last movies, the world's foremost dino experts couldn't survive a weekend there. Anyway, family is reunited, dinosaurs are scary, and they make it off the island with the help of Elle Sattler, the botonist Grant apparently never popped the question to. The end, but not before we see a bunch of pterodactyls flying off into the sunset, and essentially their doom, because all the dinosaurs are licine deficient, which means they can't survive easily outside of the island. So here is to hoping they found a soybean farm to spend their remaining days on, otherwise that shit doesn't make any sense.

Where to start. First off, the Jurassic Park movies have always featured kids in them. The books have them too, and they can add an interesting dynamic, and help the films appeal to a younger audience and keep it at a PG-13 rating. My beef is with the kids' increasingly amazing survival abilities. Let's face it; kids are retarded, that's why they need babysitters and everything done for them. There were parts in the other JP movies where the kids were able to overcome the odds, and I know these are movies, but COME THE FUCK ON. The fucking kid in this movie, Eric, survives in an overturned truck for 8 weeks. Along the way, he managed to collect a bunch of food and supplies, as well as T-Rex piss. T-REX PISS. And just to remind you how stupid the movie thinks you are, throughout the course of the film the characters traverse across every location where this kid would have had to collect this stuff, and all the while are pursued by giant fucking dinosaurs. This kid would be eaten alive in no time. First off, he is like 12, so he isn't going to overpower anything. Second, by returning to the same place day in and day out he is letting the dinosaurs know exactly where is is going to be. They can smell you, dummy. Third, he is probably the first human to be on the island in like 5 years. His flesh would probably be like a delicacy to the dinosaurs. Or at least be like how we feel about stuff we haven't eaten in forever. Like right now I am thinking, "Man, I haven't had a Fizzoli's breadstick in forever, those things sure were tasty!" That's how the dinosaurs feel about Eric. They will eat the shit out of him, because they are sick of eating dinosaurs.
8 WEEKS! Off hand, here are the known carniverous dinosaurs I can name that are on the island: Tyrannosaurus, that big fucking one, I don't remember the name, I am just going to call it Megasaurus Egypticus. Velociraptors(TONS), Compys, pterodactyls, and Allosaurus. Plus, considering the island was site B to the main island and they did most the breeding and stuff here, there were probably Spitters and a whole buttload of other dinosaurs too. You are going to tell me he evaded all these species for that long? COME ON...

Probably my other biggest problem with the movie is the fact that it really serves no purpose, and doesn't add anything new and interesting to the series. Once again Alan Grant is roped into going to an island for the sole purpose of funding his dig site. Once again the movie returns to the same island as the last movie, with nothing changed. Once again some tourists get attacked by dinosaurs on the island while vacationing, just like the last movie.
In Jurassic Park, we got to learn about the park, how it came to be, what it took to make these creatures, and what they were capable of. In The Lost World, we learned that there was another island where everything actually happened, and we learned that the control of the company had been seized from John Hammond, and a group of mercinaries were called in to move the dinosaurs forcefully from their home to a new park in San Diego. This movie does nothing of the sort, instead just retreading the ol "Ahh! There are dinosaurs after us, we gotta get the fuck out of here!" theme of the last movies, without giving us anything new to consider. Sure, there is the whole bullshit Grant theory about the raptors being about to communicate with each other, but we have known that since the first movie. Remember the big speech he gave to that fat kid about him still being alive when they start to eat you? I do, and it made me afraid to go in my backyard for fear of getting eaten by raptors.

Another thing that sucks about this movie is the lack of new interesting characters. Besides the token survivors we all know from the first two movies, there have been plenty of others that added significantly to the story in each of those movies. In the first we had Ray Arnold, played by Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson. We had Robert Muldoon, the badass hunter who knew raptors were no joke, and they will eventually kill us all. He even complimented a dinosaur on being so good at hunting him right before it ate him. Clever girl indeed! We also had Dennis Nedry, played by Newman from Seinfeld.
In The Lost World, we got Julienne Moore, who, while I have never wanted to fuck her, added a lot to the film, and helped flesh out Ian Malcolm as a character. We also had Peter Stormaire, who may believe in nothing, Mr. Lebowski, but he did meet an almost hilarious bloody end at the hands of a bunch of tiny ass dinosaurs. We also got a new dickhead to hate in the form of John Hammond's nephew, and a new hunter to love in the form of Roland Tembo. Not to mention Vince Vaughn during one of his skinny phases.
In the Third movie, we get nobody. We get Billy, Grant's assistant, who gets very little screen time and doesn't do much of interest, besides steal some raptor eggs and apologize for it later. He did do some sweet parasailing though and got fucked up by dinosaurs, and that was cool. Besides him, everybody sucked. The Kirbys were annoying, and the one guy who was cool, Michael Jeter from fucking Evening Shade, dies like right away. God I hate this movie.

I guess in reality, my expectations for a JP movie are just always going to be so high that I will be dissapointed no matter what. I can live with being a little dissapointed, but the level of it that I get from Jurassic Park 3 is just too much. It is unbelievable even for a movie about dinosaurs, it isn't interesting and it adds nothing to the Jurassic Park canon. Man, fuck this movie. Fuck it hard, and fuck anyone responsible for it's creation. I'm going to write a 4th movie and every kid will die. Well maybe one will live, but he/she will still get pretty fucked up.

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