Monday, December 28, 2009

The Postman

Boy oh boy do I love me some post-apocalyptic movies. Love 'em. This is what originally drew me to The Postman in the first place. That was seven or eight years ago. I remember thinking that it was okay, just a little bit long and weird though. That was then, and going into it now I have little assurance that this movie is going to be tolerable to watch, especially when you factor in the built-in shitfest effect that comes with every Kevin Costner movie.

The Plot:
Kevin Costner stars as himself, well not really, but he is the same goddamn character in every movie. Anyway, it's the future, not really sure when, but there was another world war or a plague or something, and common people are threatened by roving bands of pseudo-military forces who think they are in charge. Costner is a guy who gets thrown into a battle he wanted nothing to do with in the first place.

The Approach:
This fucking movie is 177 god forsaken minutes long, so I have decided to pause it every now and then and write about what I see. It's the only way to combat my brain's natural tendency to not remember anything about this stupid flick.

Okay, so the movie starts out with Costner talking to his mule, named Bill. Then he jumps on a trampoline in the middle of the desert in what appears to be the American southwest. Oh, and then they show a lion. Just like in fucking Narnia, I shit you not. The chances of a lion existing in America decades after the fall of civilization, and ZOOS, is pretty fucking small. Lion burgers anyone?

So then we find out that Costner is a nomad of sorts, traveling the land with his mule, only stopping into towns to get food and supplies. And what does he trade with to get these supplies you ask? Why, his acting talents, of course. This plot development has so far lead to two awesome scenes. In one, some guy comes up to him and tells him he fucking sucks at acting(SWEET) and in the next he gets in a Shakespeare line battle with some army guy, and gets his ass whipped verbally by said army guy. Costner says all the gay lines like "Too be or not to be" and this kickass army guy (don't know his name, but he was the dude in Armageddon who told his wife to give a toy spaceship to his son)came at him with every radical military inspirational line Shakespeare ever wrote. So even in a movie starring, directed, and produced by Costner, he still gets his one-dimensional ass beat by some brutish thug in nothing more than the equivelent of a play rehearsal. Pathetic.

Alright, so now he is in some huge prison/army training camp in the desert. We are introduced to Giovanni Ribissi's character, and big suprise, he plays a fucking weirdo in this one too. And apparently, they play movies on a huge drive in screen for all the residents of this camp at night. This camp is full of huge muscle-bound freaks who probably would listen to 93X if they could. Anyway, the projectionist puts on a movie. It is Universal Soldier, the crowd boos. He puts on The Sound Of Music, and they all quiet down; enthrawled by what they see on screen. Army dudes, booing an action flick in favor of a musical? What the fuck?

After jumping off a 100 foot tall bridge into a raging river, stabbing Giovanni Ribissi to death, and watching an army thug get mauled by that lion from the beginning of the movie, once again Costner is on his own, but at least he is away from that crazy military operation. They had began calling Costner "Shakespeare", which just seems wrong when you consider he was the greatest playwright in history, and Costner is mostly known for being a total shitbag actor, even though he is in some awesome movies.

So to escape certain death in what can only be described as a mild rain shower, Costner, or KC as I may begin referring to him as, seeks refuge in the wreck of an old mail truck. In this truck, he finds a Zippo lighter, and when it produces a flame, proceeds to make caveman noises. Then he talks to the skeleton of the dead postal worker, and reads a bunch of 15 year old mail. I guess this is where he decides that dressing like a postman is a brilliant idea and will make the whole plot make sense. Riiiiight.

Okay this is where things get kinda boring. He meets this chick who needs his sperm because her man's boys don't swim, so they bang, and it is pretty sexy banging for a sperm donation, if you ask me. After they get down, the bad guys kill the girl's husband, and she escapes to the woods with KC, who has been shot in the stomach, and she takes care of him in a cabin for like 3 fucking months. BORING. In the meantime, a whole crap load of kids who were inspired by KC decide to be postmen too, so when he returns to town there are like a hundred of them. Around this time I got really bored and started watching a video about Domino's Pizza and their new pizza, and I gotta say, that was way more entertaining and delicious looking. Although the girl that KC bangs was pretty attractive, and I saw her boobs, for a pretty long time too. Much longer than you usually get with a PG-13 movie...

Well it appears the new postal service is up and running. At every town the postmen go to, there is much rejoicing. Bill and Ted would probably say that everything is "most non hanus". At one of these festive events, a band is playing "Come and Get Your Love". This perplexes me because I don't know if they are covering the Redbone version, or the Real McCoy version. I would like to think they are covering the crappy 90's sorta-techno song though.

There is a bunch more drama, blah blah blah, woman and surrogate father KC finally hook up, and the postal service defeats an army.


In summary, I really don't know what the hell I just watched. For awhile there it looked like Waterworld, then it became Mad Max:Beyond Thunderdome, and then it just turned into this huge fucking Civil War battle. I will do my best with a Pros and Cons list, but in all honesty, I am just very confused right now.

What was kinda cool:
1. Estimated year 2020 Tom Petty looked the same age as 1997 Tom Petty. Actually that's not cool at all, I just really wanted some pros for this list. Oh well...

Man Fuck This Movie Because:
1. It's 20 years in the future and nobody drives cars at all anymore? Fuck you.
2. Kevin Costner doesn't know how to talk to and act around women in movies. He is awkward around them, and is snippy as hell. Fuck that guy.
3. It's so goddamned long. Seriously, cut an hour out of this bitch, including KC's failed attempt at romance, and get this show on the road. It was a chore to stay awake for this one. Thank god for that Domino's video...

Sunday, December 13, 2009

The Core

My hatred of The Core is no secret. It came out in 2003 and I don't think a week has gone by since where I didn't mention how shitty it was at least once. Today I decided to rewatch it for the first time since I wasted 5 bucks on it almost 7 years ago, thinking that maybe I was too hard on it the first time and it deserved a second chance.

Well it fucking doesn't. Holy fucking shit. This movie came out with the hopes of riding the coat tails of other disaster/end of the world films like Armageddon and Deep Impact, but falls short in every department.

One of my most constant gripes with terrible movies is their overdoing of CGI, especially when they don't have the budget or the knowhow to make it look good. Look at films like Terminator 2 and Jurassic Park, which came out in 1991 and 1993. The computer effects in both these movies still look good today, and are almost 20 years old. The Core came out a full decade after JP and yet it still has the CGI of a made-for-TV movie.

I suppose I better explain the premise of this shit show. It is present day, and all this weird shit starts happening. It turns out that the core of the Earth has stopped spinning, and because of this, the end of the world is looming ahead of us. They gather up a bunch of scientists and shit and they build this giant turd looking digging ship that is designed to burrow into the Earth's core and deliver a nuclear payload, which when detonated, is supposed to restart the core. I mean it makes total sense, in real life when you blow shit up, it causes stuff to randomly start spinning, happens all the time. Anyway, shit goes wrong and people die, and eventually they end up restarting the core, and the world doesn't end.

Now, in order for this stupid stupid plot to even begin to work, the movie had to invent a bunch of stupid crap that it doesn't bother explaining. Now I know this is a movie and you are supposed to suspend your belief and just take it as entertainment, but this movie treats you like you are retarded and don't know you are retarded.
Let's start with the ship. It looks like an elongated version of those drilling vehicles Bee-Bop and Rocksteady always rode in from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon, except more poop-like. Well this wonder ship is designed to obviously transport it's passangers to the middle of the Earth. Sounds like an amazing machine, right? Well it is. It is powered by an "experimental nuclear reactor". Wow, that sounds cool, care to explain what makes it so experimental? No? Well okay, just seems kind of irresponsable to spend "50 billion" dollars on a ship and have it be powered by something you have never tested.
It can get pretty hot in the middle of the Earth, like over 9000 degrees apparently, so naturally the ship would have to be made of something that could withstand all that heat. Good thing we have this new metal the movie made up, called "Unoptanium." That sounds really neato, and it sounds just like the word "unobtainable" which, if the name made sense, would make this a very precious metal indeed, and hard for anyone to get their hands on. Oh wait, it's not, because they built a ship the length of a football field made of nothing but this stuff.
This next point irked me, but I don't know enough about communication technology to really know if it would work or not. So in the movie, the crew of the ship stays in constant contact with the U.S. army above ground. It just seems a little unrealistic for a two-way radio to work when there is 7000 miles of rock between you and your buddies. I know they can do it in space, but that is also a wide open area with a direct sight-line and satellites to help. Just something that made me go hmmmmm.

I feel bad for the actors in this one. It's like they felt bad for being left out of all the previous disaster movies so they signed on for this one just so they could hang out with those movie's stars and be cool like them. At least it didn't end their careers. The two biggest stars in this film are Aaron Eckhart and Hilary Swank, and they both had the biggest roles in their careers after this came out. Eckhart played Harvey Dent in The Dark Knight, and Swank played an ugly girl in all of her movies.

All in all, this movie expects you to suspend too many beliefs for it even to begin to work, and if you can do that, it relies on you forgetting that you are a human being capable of rational thought. This movie fucking blows.

1. There is a scene, which never gets explained, in which all the birds go ape-shit and fall out of the sky and cause huge accidents. Seriously, people freak out because it rains birds...more birds than anyone has ever ever ever seen, even in the midst of a migration. For real, it rains birds for like 2 minutes straight, and people are running around losing their shit. Fucking awesome.
2. Hilary Swank was probably her least ugliest in this movie, she hasn't looked this "good" since The Next Karate Kid. Who would have thought back then that just a plain jane would grow up to be such a handsome transexual?
3. Delroy Lindo was in this, and he is the shit. He is a smooth Shaft like black guy who is in such movies as Get Shorty, Romeo Must Die, and The One. I think he dies in all of these movies, except Romeo Must Die, where he only gets shot and almost dies, but not before making a short joke about Jet Li.
4. It took my mind off of my fantasy team losing it's game, causing me to be eliminated from the playoffs.
5. Someone holds up a magazine in the movie, and on the back cover is an advertisement for "Shadow Man" which was a game that came out in like 1999 for the Playstation and N64, later ported to the Dreamcast. Anyway, that game always looked like fun, and in the movie that magazine is supposed to be current...and it has an ad for a videogame that is over 4 years old...hmmm...

1. Hilary Swank's face, but not her sort of bangin' body. It was the only do-able female form in the whole goddamn film, how sexist, the producers must all be women.
2. The fact that I know that the next movie I watch is going to be even worse than this one.
3. The movie has really shitty looking fonts, and uses incomplete sentances. For instance, when the movie wants you to know that it is taking you to a different location, it will display it on the bottom of the screen, no biggy, pretty much all movies do this. But this one uses some dumbass Lost in Space font and does it with sentance fragments like "Off the Coast of Hawaii" Would it kill you to have it be "Somewhere off the Coast of Hawaii"?
4. Okay, so in the movie, they are drilling through thousands of miles of rocks. On the way back, their drill goes out, and they are forced to navigate at speeds three times what they went in with, with no drill, all the while dodging HUMONGOUS boulders, any of which could destroy the ship. While on the return trip, the movie actually has the balls to display "16 Hours Later" in their stupid font. With the way they were going, there is no way they would survive 16 hours of that shit, but the movie expects you to believe it.
5. DJ Qualls. I know the dude had cancer back in the day, but man, how many times can you play the same skinny nerd loser who gets no play? Roadtrip? Fine, he can have that one, it was his first. But this and The New Guy? Jigga please.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Raptor Island

If there is one thing in this world I love more than dinosaurs, it's zombies. And then boobs. Well dinosaurs are at least my third favorite thing. Besides vaginas. Okay, forth, but that is still pretty damn good.
The point is, I consider myself to be a dinosaur fan, have been my whole life. From Denver the Last Dinosaur, to Prehysteria, to Jurassic Park, I will fucking watch anything with a perhistoric beast in it. Which is what led me to Raptor Island.
It's hard to really know where to begin with this movie. On the one hand, it "stars" Lorenzo Lamas, otherwise known as Reno Raines from The Renegade tv show. He is a pretty big dickhead who has been in a bunch of soap operas, and is the star of a movie called Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, which I'm sure will show up on this blog someday.
And then, we must consider that this is a SciFi channel original movie. Never really a mark of quality, except in the case of The House of the Dead 2, which Uwe Boll had nothing to do with. Also, when a movie is a SciFi original, it means it most likely will feature super shitty CGI graphics, which this one has in spades. I don't think I have been this impressed with CGI computer graphics since Dino Crisis came out for the fucking Playstation ten years ago.
What we must also consider is how a movie like this can possibly work. The plot of the movie goes as follows: An "elite" group of counter-terrorist operatives are hunting down a group of...wait for it...terrorists. They track the terrorists to a boat which they promptly blow up, in a scene that features ultra realistic explosions, and then proceed to pursue the terrorists to an island in south Asia.
When they get to the island, guess what they encounter? That's right, raptors. The fact that everyone in the movie calls them raptors I find to be truly hilarious. First off, their full name is "Velociraptor" a name that most people, including me, a dinosaur freak, would not even know if not for the Jurassic park book/movie series. So that would mean that we must assume that in the world of Raptor Island, Jurassic Park was the same cultural phenomenon that it was in our world. We must also consider the fact that the Velociraptors in the Jurassic Park movies were actually based off of the dinosaur called Deinonychus, latin for "Terrible Claw" Terrible indeed, wouldn't you agree, Robert Muldoon and Ray Arnold? Oh wait, you two are fucking dead, BURN! Anyway, Velociraptors were actually only like 3 fucking feet tall and their name was latin for "Speedy Theif". So yeah, what I am trying to say is this misconception alone is enough to consider this a shitty movie. It would be like someone in the 1800's being like "Oh Shit, it's a fucking Delorian, those cars are stupid cool!" when Marty McFly showed up.
Alright, gotta get back on topic. Allow me to summarize the movie from the point which the two groups arrived on the island, from the perspective of Lorenzo Lamas's shitty character: Oh, fuck! It's a bunch of dinosaurs! Everybody shoot at them while they stand there idle and repeat the same sets of animations! Okay, this is so weird, even though we are all members of an elite killing squad, none of us are able to hit these giant dinosaurs from 5 yards away...the terrorists seem to be having trouble too. Alright, it seems after a thousand or two bullets, we can finally drop these things. Hey look! It's a CIA opperative the Terrorists kidnapped, let's rescue her! Wow, she is cute, not hot, but SciFi channel hot, and claims she didn't need to be rescued. What a stupid bitch. At least she agrees with us that these things must be dinosaurs. Hey look at that, some old toxic waste barrels from America are littered on the ground around the remains of a Chinese Airplane. An airplane that looks supsiciously like the model airplane meant to appear to be a real airplane flying through rough weather in the opening title sequence of this retarded movie. Let's see...American toxic chemicals, Chinese plane...this could only mean one thing, of course! The chemicals from these barrels seaped into the ground and turned every living creature on this island into a dinosaur! Goddammit, I hate when that fucking happens! Oh shit, We completely forgot about the terrorists, let's go find them! They seem to be hiding out in this strange cave...oh is a breeding ground for hundreds of raptors! How in the holy hell did they figure out how to poorly render that many dinosaurs at one time? And now the ground is shaking....this cave is also an active volcano! Quick, to the boat, while the main bad guy gets eaten by a dinosaur even bigger than the raptors! Okay, whew, we escaped, but look, there are three raptors swimming after our boat as we leave, this must mean there will be a sequel someday, right? Well, in the meantime, I am going to divorce a 4th wife and star in a reality show that lasts two episodes. I'll be back, Raptor Island! And this time, with Dreamcast caliber graphics!

1. When I see Lorenzo Lamas, it reminds me of my days as a child in the summertime, watching back to back episodes of The Renegade and The Highlander tv show. Which reminded me of the main character from the Highlander show, who in my mind, reminded me of Ross from Friends. Thank you Raptor Island.
2. After attempting to watch this movie twice, and falling asleep both times, I was still able to follow the plot. Let's give the writing team a hand.
3. I found the chick in this movie to be attractive, in a "hey, I've already had 4 beers, and you are the only girl at this sausage fest" kind of way.
4. The guns the guys were using made me want to play some Call of Duty.
5. Lorenzo Lamas finally cut his pony tail.

1. Not once did I actually get to see the raptors eat anyone. All I got was a close up of a dinosaur in a biting stance, a scream from a person, and then a pile of bloody chunks that always seemed to be just barely in the picture. THOSE BITCHES WERE HUNGRY!
2. This movie retails for $22 dollars at Best Buy.
3. One of the guys shot like three baby raptors, and by shot I mean blew them in half. They were pretty cute and harmless, so this made me a little sad.
4. Nobody said any one-liners about making dinosaurs extinct while shooting them.
5.The possibility of a sequel.

So there it is. If you are looking for a movie with dinosaurs, the lastest in 1994 computer graphics, a shitty plot, and a volcano, keep looking. There has to be something better than this.