Monday, November 30, 2009

Nature's Grave

Do you remember those old episodes of The Outer Limits where the whole point of each story was to teach you a lesson? This movie tries to do that and fails miserably.
Here is the basic plot as I see it: This super douchey couple who live in Australia decide to go on a trip to the beach together. They are rich and have lots of toys and shit and appear to hate each other. The dude is played by motherfucking Jim Caviezel, who was awesome in that Frequency movie and also played Jesus in that movie all the self-hating Catholics went to in droves at the calling of Mel Gibson. Anyway, they drive to the beach in their giant gas guzzling SUV, and along the way manage to cream a kangaroo with their truck and start a forest fire with a disgarded cigarette. When they finally get to the beach, they proceed to keep fighting and do more environmentally unfriendly stuff like dumping soapy water on the ground, chopping down a tree, littering, and taking random rifle shots at stuff that make scary noises in the night.
The movie makes it blatently obvious that these two are total shitheads and yuppie scum, but it fails to deliver it's message because nature never really gets it's revenge. Sure the guy almost gets bitten by a snake and gets the shit pecked out of him by an Eagle who wants her egg back (hilarious), but everything that happens to them just happens because they are so fucking stupid, not because nature is out to get them. And also, they never really learn their lessons because they both die. The woman dies because the man shot her in the neck and pinned her to a tree in the night (awesome) when he thought she was an animal or something, and the man dies when he freaks out after finding out he killed her, and runs to the highway and gets massacred by an 18-wheeler who didn't see him. (TOTALLY TITS). I guess what I am trying to say is that this movie sucks because the people in it didn't die because nature made it happen, they died because they fucking suck at camping.
And now, the Pros and Cons:

1. Got to see Jesus guy get turned into a fine mist thanks to a truck.
2. Briefly got to see hot wife pleasure herself in a tent.
3. Ridiculous reaccuring theme where this dead sea cow keeps crawling up the shore until it is right outside the dude's tent when he wakes up.
4. It was in HD on Netflix.
5. Seeing Jesus get attacked by a pissed-off eagle.
1. The movie was based in Australia and I didn't hear the word "crikey" even once.
2. Paul Hogan wasn't in it.
3. I was almost convinced to respect nature, but instead learned to just not suck at camping.
4. No dingos ate any babies.
5. For some reason watching this movie has caused me to have the Captain Planet song stuck in my head.

Well there you have it. Definitely not the worst movie I have ever seen, but at least it taught me what Jesus would do. He would litter. A lot.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Far Cry

This movie was doomed from the get-go. First off, it is based on a video game, a stigma that is almost always associated with complete failure, except in a few select cases. Secondly, it is directed by fucking Uwe Boll.
Who is Uwe Boll, you ask? Well, he is a total dickbag from Germany who finances his movies with his own money and doesn't have any clue how to make a decent film. His greatest hits include: Alone in the Dark, The House of the Dead, Blood Rayne, and Postal. And of course, by greatest hits, I mean total fucking garbage.
For example, in his film House of the Dead, he had the bright idea to splice in footage of the 32 bit arcade game in the middle of the major action sequences of the movie. Maybe it was to distract the people watching from the fact that he somehow screwed up a zombie movie, something that is pretty hard to do.
The third offense this movie is guilty of is the fact that it doesn't even follow the story of the game it is based on. There are simularities, sure, but it takes a complete retard to take the plot of a first person shooter game and make it even worse. This game was about a pissed off American ex-army type who gets his boat blown up and wants some revenge. In the game you get to stalk your foes in a dense jungle setting and use creative traps to take them out, in any order that you wish.
In the shitty movie version, the main character is like an even shittier version of Jean Claude Van Damme, and he cracks dumbass jokes the whole time and even asks a girl how good he was at fucking her on a scale of 1-10.
In all honesty, I fell asleep for a good portion of the movie towards the end, and I really didn't feel like any of the plot escaped me. What sucks is that this pile of shit has so much money that he can keep buying the rights to all your favorite video games, make shitty shitty movies out of them, and nobody can do dick about it. He even has a stable of B-actors that keep signing up to star in these crap fests. Goddamn Michael Madsen was in Blood Rayne, as was fucking GHANDI.
Okay, well even though it was a pile of steaming shit, I still try to find something to like in every movie I watch, so here is an attempt at a Pros and Cons list:
1. The cover of the movie resembles the cover of the game.
2. Most of the names remained unchanged.
3. It was only an hour and a half long.
4. I almost saw boobs.
5. There were a few explosions.
1. The main character was German
2. I almost saw Boobs.
3. It was an hour and a half long.
4. The director apparently wrote the movie after reading the plot of the game on Wikipedia.
5. The movie has a fat sidekick who wasn't in the game who just whines about his bad back and his meatball sub that went overboard during a boring boat chase.

Well there you have it. Most of you who know me know that I will defend movies that others find to be, well, shitty, so you have to understand that if I think a movie is shitty, you know it has to be complete shit. And that is what this blog will be about; movies that just suck, and there is no defending them.

P.S. Uwe Boll can eat a big fat dick.