Saturday, December 5, 2009

Raptor Island

If there is one thing in this world I love more than dinosaurs, it's zombies. And then boobs. Well dinosaurs are at least my third favorite thing. Besides vaginas. Okay, forth, but that is still pretty damn good.
The point is, I consider myself to be a dinosaur fan, have been my whole life. From Denver the Last Dinosaur, to Prehysteria, to Jurassic Park, I will fucking watch anything with a perhistoric beast in it. Which is what led me to Raptor Island.
It's hard to really know where to begin with this movie. On the one hand, it "stars" Lorenzo Lamas, otherwise known as Reno Raines from The Renegade tv show. He is a pretty big dickhead who has been in a bunch of soap operas, and is the star of a movie called Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, which I'm sure will show up on this blog someday.
And then, we must consider that this is a SciFi channel original movie. Never really a mark of quality, except in the case of The House of the Dead 2, which Uwe Boll had nothing to do with. Also, when a movie is a SciFi original, it means it most likely will feature super shitty CGI graphics, which this one has in spades. I don't think I have been this impressed with CGI computer graphics since Dino Crisis came out for the fucking Playstation ten years ago.
What we must also consider is how a movie like this can possibly work. The plot of the movie goes as follows: An "elite" group of counter-terrorist operatives are hunting down a group of...wait for it...terrorists. They track the terrorists to a boat which they promptly blow up, in a scene that features ultra realistic explosions, and then proceed to pursue the terrorists to an island in south Asia.
When they get to the island, guess what they encounter? That's right, raptors. The fact that everyone in the movie calls them raptors I find to be truly hilarious. First off, their full name is "Velociraptor" a name that most people, including me, a dinosaur freak, would not even know if not for the Jurassic park book/movie series. So that would mean that we must assume that in the world of Raptor Island, Jurassic Park was the same cultural phenomenon that it was in our world. We must also consider the fact that the Velociraptors in the Jurassic Park movies were actually based off of the dinosaur called Deinonychus, latin for "Terrible Claw" Terrible indeed, wouldn't you agree, Robert Muldoon and Ray Arnold? Oh wait, you two are fucking dead, BURN! Anyway, Velociraptors were actually only like 3 fucking feet tall and their name was latin for "Speedy Theif". So yeah, what I am trying to say is this misconception alone is enough to consider this a shitty movie. It would be like someone in the 1800's being like "Oh Shit, it's a fucking Delorian, those cars are stupid cool!" when Marty McFly showed up.
Alright, gotta get back on topic. Allow me to summarize the movie from the point which the two groups arrived on the island, from the perspective of Lorenzo Lamas's shitty character: Oh, fuck! It's a bunch of dinosaurs! Everybody shoot at them while they stand there idle and repeat the same sets of animations! Okay, this is so weird, even though we are all members of an elite killing squad, none of us are able to hit these giant dinosaurs from 5 yards away...the terrorists seem to be having trouble too. Alright, it seems after a thousand or two bullets, we can finally drop these things. Hey look! It's a CIA opperative the Terrorists kidnapped, let's rescue her! Wow, she is cute, not hot, but SciFi channel hot, and claims she didn't need to be rescued. What a stupid bitch. At least she agrees with us that these things must be dinosaurs. Hey look at that, some old toxic waste barrels from America are littered on the ground around the remains of a Chinese Airplane. An airplane that looks supsiciously like the model airplane meant to appear to be a real airplane flying through rough weather in the opening title sequence of this retarded movie. Let's see...American toxic chemicals, Chinese plane...this could only mean one thing, of course! The chemicals from these barrels seaped into the ground and turned every living creature on this island into a dinosaur! Goddammit, I hate when that fucking happens! Oh shit, We completely forgot about the terrorists, let's go find them! They seem to be hiding out in this strange cave...oh is a breeding ground for hundreds of raptors! How in the holy hell did they figure out how to poorly render that many dinosaurs at one time? And now the ground is shaking....this cave is also an active volcano! Quick, to the boat, while the main bad guy gets eaten by a dinosaur even bigger than the raptors! Okay, whew, we escaped, but look, there are three raptors swimming after our boat as we leave, this must mean there will be a sequel someday, right? Well, in the meantime, I am going to divorce a 4th wife and star in a reality show that lasts two episodes. I'll be back, Raptor Island! And this time, with Dreamcast caliber graphics!

1. When I see Lorenzo Lamas, it reminds me of my days as a child in the summertime, watching back to back episodes of The Renegade and The Highlander tv show. Which reminded me of the main character from the Highlander show, who in my mind, reminded me of Ross from Friends. Thank you Raptor Island.
2. After attempting to watch this movie twice, and falling asleep both times, I was still able to follow the plot. Let's give the writing team a hand.
3. I found the chick in this movie to be attractive, in a "hey, I've already had 4 beers, and you are the only girl at this sausage fest" kind of way.
4. The guns the guys were using made me want to play some Call of Duty.
5. Lorenzo Lamas finally cut his pony tail.

1. Not once did I actually get to see the raptors eat anyone. All I got was a close up of a dinosaur in a biting stance, a scream from a person, and then a pile of bloody chunks that always seemed to be just barely in the picture. THOSE BITCHES WERE HUNGRY!
2. This movie retails for $22 dollars at Best Buy.
3. One of the guys shot like three baby raptors, and by shot I mean blew them in half. They were pretty cute and harmless, so this made me a little sad.
4. Nobody said any one-liners about making dinosaurs extinct while shooting them.
5.The possibility of a sequel.

So there it is. If you are looking for a movie with dinosaurs, the lastest in 1994 computer graphics, a shitty plot, and a volcano, keep looking. There has to be something better than this.

1 comment:

  1. I feel like a major downfall in your blog is that you are not mentioning what I already know. You are comparing this to the epic Jurassic Park. I know this because you have a framed raptor photo that has made it through at least three home moves. So, maybe, if you didnt expect it to be something it isn't, then you wouldn't be SO disappointed.
    ps if I had walked into Snake Island thinking Anaconda, I wouldn't have been able to appreciate the glory that is, Snake Island.