Monday, November 30, 2009

Nature's Grave

Do you remember those old episodes of The Outer Limits where the whole point of each story was to teach you a lesson? This movie tries to do that and fails miserably.
Here is the basic plot as I see it: This super douchey couple who live in Australia decide to go on a trip to the beach together. They are rich and have lots of toys and shit and appear to hate each other. The dude is played by motherfucking Jim Caviezel, who was awesome in that Frequency movie and also played Jesus in that movie all the self-hating Catholics went to in droves at the calling of Mel Gibson. Anyway, they drive to the beach in their giant gas guzzling SUV, and along the way manage to cream a kangaroo with their truck and start a forest fire with a disgarded cigarette. When they finally get to the beach, they proceed to keep fighting and do more environmentally unfriendly stuff like dumping soapy water on the ground, chopping down a tree, littering, and taking random rifle shots at stuff that make scary noises in the night.
The movie makes it blatently obvious that these two are total shitheads and yuppie scum, but it fails to deliver it's message because nature never really gets it's revenge. Sure the guy almost gets bitten by a snake and gets the shit pecked out of him by an Eagle who wants her egg back (hilarious), but everything that happens to them just happens because they are so fucking stupid, not because nature is out to get them. And also, they never really learn their lessons because they both die. The woman dies because the man shot her in the neck and pinned her to a tree in the night (awesome) when he thought she was an animal or something, and the man dies when he freaks out after finding out he killed her, and runs to the highway and gets massacred by an 18-wheeler who didn't see him. (TOTALLY TITS). I guess what I am trying to say is that this movie sucks because the people in it didn't die because nature made it happen, they died because they fucking suck at camping.
And now, the Pros and Cons:

1. Got to see Jesus guy get turned into a fine mist thanks to a truck.
2. Briefly got to see hot wife pleasure herself in a tent.
3. Ridiculous reaccuring theme where this dead sea cow keeps crawling up the shore until it is right outside the dude's tent when he wakes up.
4. It was in HD on Netflix.
5. Seeing Jesus get attacked by a pissed-off eagle.
1. The movie was based in Australia and I didn't hear the word "crikey" even once.
2. Paul Hogan wasn't in it.
3. I was almost convinced to respect nature, but instead learned to just not suck at camping.
4. No dingos ate any babies.
5. For some reason watching this movie has caused me to have the Captain Planet song stuck in my head.

Well there you have it. Definitely not the worst movie I have ever seen, but at least it taught me what Jesus would do. He would litter. A lot.

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