Monday, December 28, 2009

The Postman

Boy oh boy do I love me some post-apocalyptic movies. Love 'em. This is what originally drew me to The Postman in the first place. That was seven or eight years ago. I remember thinking that it was okay, just a little bit long and weird though. That was then, and going into it now I have little assurance that this movie is going to be tolerable to watch, especially when you factor in the built-in shitfest effect that comes with every Kevin Costner movie.

The Plot:
Kevin Costner stars as himself, well not really, but he is the same goddamn character in every movie. Anyway, it's the future, not really sure when, but there was another world war or a plague or something, and common people are threatened by roving bands of pseudo-military forces who think they are in charge. Costner is a guy who gets thrown into a battle he wanted nothing to do with in the first place.

The Approach:
This fucking movie is 177 god forsaken minutes long, so I have decided to pause it every now and then and write about what I see. It's the only way to combat my brain's natural tendency to not remember anything about this stupid flick.

Okay, so the movie starts out with Costner talking to his mule, named Bill. Then he jumps on a trampoline in the middle of the desert in what appears to be the American southwest. Oh, and then they show a lion. Just like in fucking Narnia, I shit you not. The chances of a lion existing in America decades after the fall of civilization, and ZOOS, is pretty fucking small. Lion burgers anyone?

So then we find out that Costner is a nomad of sorts, traveling the land with his mule, only stopping into towns to get food and supplies. And what does he trade with to get these supplies you ask? Why, his acting talents, of course. This plot development has so far lead to two awesome scenes. In one, some guy comes up to him and tells him he fucking sucks at acting(SWEET) and in the next he gets in a Shakespeare line battle with some army guy, and gets his ass whipped verbally by said army guy. Costner says all the gay lines like "Too be or not to be" and this kickass army guy (don't know his name, but he was the dude in Armageddon who told his wife to give a toy spaceship to his son)came at him with every radical military inspirational line Shakespeare ever wrote. So even in a movie starring, directed, and produced by Costner, he still gets his one-dimensional ass beat by some brutish thug in nothing more than the equivelent of a play rehearsal. Pathetic.

Alright, so now he is in some huge prison/army training camp in the desert. We are introduced to Giovanni Ribissi's character, and big suprise, he plays a fucking weirdo in this one too. And apparently, they play movies on a huge drive in screen for all the residents of this camp at night. This camp is full of huge muscle-bound freaks who probably would listen to 93X if they could. Anyway, the projectionist puts on a movie. It is Universal Soldier, the crowd boos. He puts on The Sound Of Music, and they all quiet down; enthrawled by what they see on screen. Army dudes, booing an action flick in favor of a musical? What the fuck?

After jumping off a 100 foot tall bridge into a raging river, stabbing Giovanni Ribissi to death, and watching an army thug get mauled by that lion from the beginning of the movie, once again Costner is on his own, but at least he is away from that crazy military operation. They had began calling Costner "Shakespeare", which just seems wrong when you consider he was the greatest playwright in history, and Costner is mostly known for being a total shitbag actor, even though he is in some awesome movies.

So to escape certain death in what can only be described as a mild rain shower, Costner, or KC as I may begin referring to him as, seeks refuge in the wreck of an old mail truck. In this truck, he finds a Zippo lighter, and when it produces a flame, proceeds to make caveman noises. Then he talks to the skeleton of the dead postal worker, and reads a bunch of 15 year old mail. I guess this is where he decides that dressing like a postman is a brilliant idea and will make the whole plot make sense. Riiiiight.

Okay this is where things get kinda boring. He meets this chick who needs his sperm because her man's boys don't swim, so they bang, and it is pretty sexy banging for a sperm donation, if you ask me. After they get down, the bad guys kill the girl's husband, and she escapes to the woods with KC, who has been shot in the stomach, and she takes care of him in a cabin for like 3 fucking months. BORING. In the meantime, a whole crap load of kids who were inspired by KC decide to be postmen too, so when he returns to town there are like a hundred of them. Around this time I got really bored and started watching a video about Domino's Pizza and their new pizza, and I gotta say, that was way more entertaining and delicious looking. Although the girl that KC bangs was pretty attractive, and I saw her boobs, for a pretty long time too. Much longer than you usually get with a PG-13 movie...

Well it appears the new postal service is up and running. At every town the postmen go to, there is much rejoicing. Bill and Ted would probably say that everything is "most non hanus". At one of these festive events, a band is playing "Come and Get Your Love". This perplexes me because I don't know if they are covering the Redbone version, or the Real McCoy version. I would like to think they are covering the crappy 90's sorta-techno song though.

There is a bunch more drama, blah blah blah, woman and surrogate father KC finally hook up, and the postal service defeats an army.


In summary, I really don't know what the hell I just watched. For awhile there it looked like Waterworld, then it became Mad Max:Beyond Thunderdome, and then it just turned into this huge fucking Civil War battle. I will do my best with a Pros and Cons list, but in all honesty, I am just very confused right now.

What was kinda cool:
1. Estimated year 2020 Tom Petty looked the same age as 1997 Tom Petty. Actually that's not cool at all, I just really wanted some pros for this list. Oh well...

Man Fuck This Movie Because:
1. It's 20 years in the future and nobody drives cars at all anymore? Fuck you.
2. Kevin Costner doesn't know how to talk to and act around women in movies. He is awkward around them, and is snippy as hell. Fuck that guy.
3. It's so goddamned long. Seriously, cut an hour out of this bitch, including KC's failed attempt at romance, and get this show on the road. It was a chore to stay awake for this one. Thank god for that Domino's video...


  1. I so badly want the new Domino's Pizza now.

    It's funny reading this because I remember watching it quite a few years ago and most of what you wrote about I didn't remember at all...still don't. Now that, my friends, is a sign of a great movie.

  2. I think after Mighty KC made "Dances With Wolves" and it won a shit ton of awards he decided to make all his movies that fucking boring. And I also have noticed that he hates being around chicks. His chemistry with his wifey in "Field of Dreams" paled in comparison to his smouldering screentime with James Earl Jones and Ray Liotta.