Monday, January 18, 2010

Transformers 2

Those who know me well know that I LOVE movies. Well at least the majority of them anyway. Even movies that are just so-so, I usually try to find something nice to like about them, because most movies have at least one redeeming quality. This is not the case with Transformers 2.

For those of you who don't remember, at the end of the first Transformers, the Autobots defeated the bulk of the Decepticons, including their leader, Megatron. In order to prevent the Decepticons from coming to power again, the humans and surviving Autobots take Megatron's remains and dump him in the Mariana Trench. According to the movie, this trench is pretty fucking deep, and the pressure is so great that anything dropped down there will be crushed and imploded and shit. So of course in Transformers 2, a bunch of Decepticons dive down to re-activate Megatron, and of course none of them get crushed to death, and they get Megatron working again without any issues. What the fuck? Did the writers just assume everyone forgot about the end of the first movie? Were there even writers? A glimse into what a Michael Bay writers session might be like:

Michael Bay: "Okay, now get this! We are gonna make this movie exactly like the last one, only we are gonna spend a shitload more money! This time, we're gonna have bigger robots, bigger explosions, way more jive-talking robots, and like 3 times as many camera shots where the camera pans around dudes getting into fucking planes and shit."

What's funny is it took me a loooong time to come around to the first Transformers movie. I actually got to see it like ten days before it's official release, and it made my year to tell every fucking nerd I could find about how shitty it was. And then I saw Transformers 2, and suddenly the first movie didn't seem so bad anymore. Actually, I realized that I kinda liked the first movie now. Transformers 2 makes everything else so much better in comparison. It made me actually think Paul Blart: Mall Cop was a decent movie. It even made me realize that maybe pickles weren't so bad after all, and I left them on my cheeseburger.

Speaking of beef, I got a bone to pick with the whole concept of this movie. Here is a brief plot summary: Sam Witwicki is a boy who has it all; A loving family, a hot-as-fuck girfriend, a fucking robot/car/best friend, and an in with an army of transforming robots who treat him like he is royalty. There is only one thing he can do now: Move a thousand miles away from his too hot for him girlfriend, tell your robot car buddy you don't want him around anymore, and go to fucking college. COLLEGE. This dude has a pretty fucking sweet life, and he wants to go to school. He could be like Knight Rider, or Spy Hunter, or at the very least like that gaylord that drove Kirby the Love Bug around. Fuck that shit.

I know movies have contained negative racial stereotypes since forever, but Transformers 2 has some of the worst racist crap in it since black face. There are these two transformers, I think their names are like Skid Mark and Mud Slide or something. Anyway, they talk even more jive than Jazz from the first movie, and they say nothing but stupid ass shit. These robots from space have an intimate knowledge of the Earth and it's history, yet they all talk like dumbasses. Also, they look like monkeys, and they can't read. I am all for comic relief in action movies, but these dudes aren't funny.

Another reason this movie is so fucking stupid: The "old" Transformer who turns into the SR71 Blackbird plane. When he is not in his plane form, he is this decrepid looking robot with a robot beard and a cane. That's right, a robot with a cane. FIX YOURSELF, DUDE! There are other robots in this movie that are just as old as this motherfucker, and they don't have beards and canes. How does a robot grow a robot beard anyway? Stupid. Also, according to him he has no idea what the status of the robot civil war is, the one that went on hundreds of years ago. Yet, he has taken the form of a plane that has only been around since the mid-60's. So, according to that logic, he has only been hiding out for around 40 years. Surely he would have known what went down with their stupid war. Especially since the first movie made it known that Megatron was stuck in a fucking glacier until the 1900's.

Just thinking about this movie is making me pissed off. This isn't a movie I should hate. It has awesome robot cars duking it out and blowing the shit out of everything in sight. It just boggles my mind how a movie that needs to be about so little can still be screwed up so badly. Yet Michael Bay found a way. Just like he did with the Friday the 13th remake, and just like he will with the Nightmare on Elm Street remake as well. Fuck that guy.

In case you haven't been processing what I have been saying, there is nothing good about this movie. Being a guy who grew up playing with these toys, I can admitt that this movie has sweet robot explosion action, and nice eye candy in Megan Fox. Sadly, all the robots and hot chicks don't make up for a lack of a cohesive story and character development. Sam has trouble telling Megan Fox he loves her? PLEASE. Any dude out there would do everything he could to lock her down, most of us would do horrible horrible things to get with that girl. Like ice an entire troup of girl scouts.

So there you have it, a nerd's perspective on how not to make a movie for nerds. I could have gone on and on about every other thing I hated about this movie, but this is a blog post, not a college dissertation. Fuck Transformers 2. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK IT.

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