While watching this movie, I find it hard to believe it isn't directed by Uwe Boll. No, The Wicker Man manages to be a complete piece of shit without that douchebag's involvment. Although I wouldn't rule out the director being a fan of his work.
This film tells the story of a horrible California bike cop, not to be confused with the way awesome bike cops from CHiPs, who patrols the highways and is generally a dick. He is played by the always reliable Nicholas Cage, who demands that you "Give me your license and Registration!" Shut the fuck up, bike cop. Anyway, he witnesses a car with a mom and a little girl getting hit by a semi and blowing the F up, and then his life gets crappy, or something. The movie didn't really explain that part very well. Anyway, he is all moping, and then he gets a letter from his ex-fiance, which is written in impossibly good handwriting, telling him her daughter has gone missing and she needs his help. Spoiler alert that even the ghost of Helen Keller could have figured out: It's his fucking daughter too. Of course it is, wow what a twist! So he goes off to help the woman who broke his over-acting heart, and it turns out she lives in some strange convent/amish town which frowns upon outlanders. Hilarity ensues
Nothing beats a movie with dialoge that sounds like it was written for a 5th grade Japanese play and then translated to English. For example, Nic Cage opens a desk and a big crow flies out. Instead of exclaiming "HOLY SHIT!" or "WHOA!" like Joey Lawrence, he yells out "WHAT???" Come on, nobody gets almost pants shittingly scared and screams that. Especially when it involves big scary birds.
A re-occuring trend in this movie is Nic Cage imagining he is seeing that little girl getting splattered by a truck. Who would have thought that this horrible imagery would be so damn HILARIOUS? This is a sight gag that those assholes who keep making the Scary Movie films need to rip off.
One big surprise in this dumpster of a movie has been the presence of Leelee Sobieski. Jesus christ this bitch fell off the map. She was in Deep Impact, the............sorry, got distracted, just watched that little girl get hit by a semi for the 4th time. Anyway, she was in Deep Impact, Joyride, a very underrated movie starring Steve Zahn and that dumpshit Paul Walker. She was also in a movie called Glass Houses, which I never saw, but I assume it is about how when you live in one, you shouldn't throw stones. And on top of all that, she looked like she had a good enough 5-head going to make her the next Helen Hunt. Somehow though, she lost her way and ended up in this shitshow, and barely a supporting character in it no less. Okay, so I just IMDBed her, and she was also in the Uwe Boll movie In The Name Of The King, as well as the kinda shitty Public Enemies. These both came after Wicker Man, so it appears she still hasn't found her way. It's a shame, some of her new pictures make her look kinda hot.
The clip below pretty much sums up what this movie is all about
Thanks again, Nicholas Cage, for once again reminding all of us what it takes to be a good actor, or rather, how to spot a horrible actor.
Man, fuck this movie, but I would still recommend seeing it if you enjoy seeing Nic Cage in a bear costume punching out women. And it's not quite boring enough to fall asleep to, so I guess that is a plus too.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
An Essay about Brendan Fraser
First off, I know I haven't blogged in a LONG time. Times are tough. Or maybe Netflix has been adding way too many awesome tv shows to Instant Watch and I haven't really got around to watching any shitty movies.
Since it has been awhile, I figured why not return to the blogosphere with something a little different. The idea came to me while watching a movie that really was pretty shitty, but I still had to like it because it featured baseball and some dimwit with supernatural athletic skills. This shit is like Hamlet to me. That movie was The Scout, and this essay is about Brendan Fraser.
Here at Man Fuck That Movie, I don't really like to research anything, and don't really like to cite my sources either. So this is just one man's opinion on a troubling matter. HOW THE FUCK IS BRENDAN FRASER A MAJOR HOLLYWOOD ACTOR???
This dude is fucking dumb. I mean just look at the guy. He has big ass bug eyes, and he always looks all pale and flabby. I don't really know if he ever graced the pages of Tiger Beat or Seventeen magazine, but I am willing to bet he did since girls are fucking stupid. How is he hot, ladies?
What got me on this whole kick in the first place involved me watching The Scout for the first time. Upon viewing it, I realized that this stupid bastard has been playing the same role in every movie. "Oh really, Nate?" is what you might be saying. "Shut the fuck up" is what I might be saying. Check the sorta-facts:
Encino Man - Plays caveman unfrozen in modern day (1990's) California. Hilarity ensues while he tries to fit in with the high school youth. Later he freaks out and has a panic attack, and almost runs away.
Blast From the Past - plays youth of the cold war trapped in bomb shelter only to be let out in the 1990's. Hilarity ensues when he realizes how much society has changed in 30 years. Tries to woo a girl and sell his sweet baseball cards. Also meets a real live negro. Has panic attack when this big new world proves to be more than he was ready for, almost locks himself back into bomb shelter. (P.S. I FUCKING LOVE THIS MOVIE)
The Scout - Plays pitching phenom from Mexico who is brought to New York to play for the Yankees. Hilarity ensues when he behaves like a damn moron at a press conference and when he steals Tony Bennett's closing song from him at a concert. Freaks out after confronting daddy issues and nearly bitches out of pitching in the World Series, just like a little bitch.
The Mummy - Plays a combination of Indiana Jones and Han Solo who is in Egypt to dig up tombs. Hilarity ensues when he pisses off a mummy who chases him all around the desert. Freaks out when he realizes this is the biggest movie he will ever star in, and nearly walks away from movies for good, but unfortunately doesn't. Instead makes two Mummy Sequels, Bedazzled, George of the Jungle, Dudley Do Right, Muppets take Manhattan, and that boring looking movie with Harrison Ford where they play doctors.
So, in closing, Fuck Brendan Fraser. The jig is up, you fish-out-of-water fuck. If you want to make a sequel to Blast from the Past, though, please do. You should try to get Alicia Siverstone in it too, although by now I am sure she weighs like 900 pounds or some shit.
Since it has been awhile, I figured why not return to the blogosphere with something a little different. The idea came to me while watching a movie that really was pretty shitty, but I still had to like it because it featured baseball and some dimwit with supernatural athletic skills. This shit is like Hamlet to me. That movie was The Scout, and this essay is about Brendan Fraser.
Here at Man Fuck That Movie, I don't really like to research anything, and don't really like to cite my sources either. So this is just one man's opinion on a troubling matter. HOW THE FUCK IS BRENDAN FRASER A MAJOR HOLLYWOOD ACTOR???
This dude is fucking dumb. I mean just look at the guy. He has big ass bug eyes, and he always looks all pale and flabby. I don't really know if he ever graced the pages of Tiger Beat or Seventeen magazine, but I am willing to bet he did since girls are fucking stupid. How is he hot, ladies?
What got me on this whole kick in the first place involved me watching The Scout for the first time. Upon viewing it, I realized that this stupid bastard has been playing the same role in every movie. "Oh really, Nate?" is what you might be saying. "Shut the fuck up" is what I might be saying. Check the sorta-facts:
Encino Man - Plays caveman unfrozen in modern day (1990's) California. Hilarity ensues while he tries to fit in with the high school youth. Later he freaks out and has a panic attack, and almost runs away.
Blast From the Past - plays youth of the cold war trapped in bomb shelter only to be let out in the 1990's. Hilarity ensues when he realizes how much society has changed in 30 years. Tries to woo a girl and sell his sweet baseball cards. Also meets a real live negro. Has panic attack when this big new world proves to be more than he was ready for, almost locks himself back into bomb shelter. (P.S. I FUCKING LOVE THIS MOVIE)
The Scout - Plays pitching phenom from Mexico who is brought to New York to play for the Yankees. Hilarity ensues when he behaves like a damn moron at a press conference and when he steals Tony Bennett's closing song from him at a concert. Freaks out after confronting daddy issues and nearly bitches out of pitching in the World Series, just like a little bitch.
The Mummy - Plays a combination of Indiana Jones and Han Solo who is in Egypt to dig up tombs. Hilarity ensues when he pisses off a mummy who chases him all around the desert. Freaks out when he realizes this is the biggest movie he will ever star in, and nearly walks away from movies for good, but unfortunately doesn't. Instead makes two Mummy Sequels, Bedazzled, George of the Jungle, Dudley Do Right, Muppets take Manhattan, and that boring looking movie with Harrison Ford where they play doctors.
So, in closing, Fuck Brendan Fraser. The jig is up, you fish-out-of-water fuck. If you want to make a sequel to Blast from the Past, though, please do. You should try to get Alicia Siverstone in it too, although by now I am sure she weighs like 900 pounds or some shit.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
The Adventures of Pluto Nash
As I sit here in the comfort of my own home, staring at all the wonderful trinkets and gadgets that adorn my room, I can't help wonder why I am about to leave it all to visit a dark place. A place where happiness dies. A place involving Eddie Murphy in space. I mean, there is really no good reason to watch this. When I think of the things I could be doing instead, it just makes me sad. I could be playing my copy of Mass Effect 2, a game that takes place in space and kicks fucking ass. Or I could watch an episode of my nerdy new favorite show, Legend of the Seeker. I could even watch an episode of shitty shitty Heroes, a show about super heroes, yet nobody uses their powers, they just sit around and cry about how hard college is and how gay their circus is. Yeah this is a blog about shitty movies, but I have heard from many sources that this one takes the cake. Hell, I could die from this.
I am going into this movie pretty blind. Here is what I know: It "stars" (Space joke, probably funnier than any joke in this fucking movie)Eddie Murphy, he is in space, I think he runs a space bar(not the keyboard button) and it is going to be a steaming pile. Since this is an Eddie Murphy movie made after 1996, I can assume it will be completely devoid of any real humor. I can also assume that it will involve him playing multiple roles, probably at least one as a woman, and probably in a fat suit. The movie will have terrible visual effects, most of them involving Eddie's body parts enlarging to "comical" proportions, and he will probably sing some random pop song at some point that will not evoke even the tinniest of chuckles.
Well, here I go. Hopefully watching this movie will give me a better understanding of what it means to be a hero. By saving you from watching what will 100% most likely be the worst movie ever, I might gain a better understanding of why firemen run into burning buildings to save old ladies, or why that Chinese dude stood in front of that tank back in the day. I will be your hero, baby. Wish me luck...
94 impossibly long minutes later...
Jesus fucking christ. Dick Tracy and Space Jam fucked and The Adventures of Pluto Nash is their bastard space son. Turns out I was kinda right about a few things. Eddie Murphy did play various roles, but only as a clone to himself, as part of a twist ending that lacked the twist part. He also visited some space plastic surgeon who let him try out different body types, so I was sorta right about the whole fat suit thing too.
One thing that kept bothering me was the star power in this film. I'm not talking about Eddie Murphy, fuck that guy. I am talking about the supporting cast. The love interest in this movie was Rosario fucking Dawson. Yeah, THAT Rosario Dawson. Otherwise known as one of the five most beautiful creatures to ever grace this planet or the stupid future moon. She is so much better than this movie. It also features Joe Pantoliano, who only 3 years earlier played Cypher in The Matrix, and also had roles in The Fugitive/U.S. Marshalls and Memento, to name a few. What the fuck dude, you don't need this shit. I guess Ignorance really is bliss you turncoat bastard, I'm glad Tank fried your ass. R.I.P. Dozer. Alec Baldwin played a minor role, and to be fair, he was only featured on a news break in the movie. So in his defense, he could have thought he was shooting a scene for a much better movie, he had nothing to do with Eddie Murphy in his scene. Randy Quaid played a fucking robot in this movie, a fucking crazy robot, and it appeared to be a role he didn't have to prepare for that much. Randy Quaid is nuts in real life, and seeing him in this movie run around with guns and a huge smile on his face while he slaps robot ass really doesn't seem much like a stretch for him.
On the subject of characters, there was one that was so totally bizzare I couldn't keep my eyes off of him. Going into this movie, I had the feeling that there would be a midget involved in some major way, or some person on the same level of weirdness as a midget. Boy was I wrong. In the movie, Eddie and the most beautiful girl in the world Rosario Dawson are running away from bad guys who want Pluto dead because he owns a club that plays space remixes to Outkast songs. Well, Joe Pantoliano's main henchman is the weirdest thing I have seen in a long time. He was played by this Albino cross eyed dude, and I couldn't stop staring at him. He was just so ugly, yet so transfixing. He was like the perfect storm of ugly, and I couldn't tell if he was just a white ass white guy, or a super duper white black guy. He was like every race, but no race. I don't understand how he even exists, something is very wrong.
I remember reading about how this movie took hundreds of millions of dollars to make, and only grossed like 20 million. While watching this, I was trying to figure out where all the money went, and I just came up empty. Yeah I am sure a lot of it went to the cast, but Louis Guzman, as awesome as he is, isn't going to command a multi-million dollar contract. I was expecting to at least be treated to awesome CGI visuals, but instead the look of the movie fell somewhere between the first Men in Black and this interactive porno I once watched called Lust in Space.
My whole noble cause of watching this movie was all for you. I wanted to save you the trouble of ever having to witness this crap, and to help you out, and help you to be more convincing with when someone asks you for reasons why this movie shouldn't be watched, I will give you a plot summary.
The movie opens in a shitty space club on the moon, in a city called "Little America." Little America also strangely resembles the city on Mars in Total Recall, but sadly I spotted no three-boobed ladies, and Randy Quaid is definitely not the real Quaid. Jay Mohr plays some douche who owns the bar and sings every night while wearing a kilt and playing an accordian. His club is dirty and gross, and some mob guys are like "Hey you owe us 2.4 million dollars, and yeah that one mob guy is played by Paulie from Rocky." Pluto Nash steps up, says leave my friend Jay Mohr and his awesome Walken impression alone, and I will buy the club from you instead. Club Shitty becomes Club Pluto, everybody dances to horrible moon remixes of songs that mention the word moon in them at some point, and everyone dresses like the Neutrinos from the Ninja Turtles cartoons. Cypher and the Albino thing tell Pluto to sell them his club for ten million dollars or else. He says no, they blow up his club, try to kill him, and now he and his new waitress/singer Rosario Will You Marry Me Dawson are on the run. He meets non-interesting characters along the way, nothing is funny, and at the end he meets up with the employer of the people who want to kill him, who turns out to be a clone of Pluto. This explains how he henchmen knew where to find Pluto while he was on the run, not that they couldn't have followed the trail of gunshots, stolen cars voiced by John Cleese, and robots sexually harassing other robots. Pluto kills fake Pluto, re-opens new and improved bar, Rosario Angel Goddess Dawson is now the singer, and Randy Batshit Crazy Quaid is the new manager, and the final scene closes out on Pluto kicking back and smoking a cigar, something he has wanted to do since the first scene of the movie.
I can't help but wonder what he was thinking during that last scene. I would like to think that he was pondering why he didn't stop after the first Nutty Professor. Or why he did the third Bevery Hills Cop. Or why I Spy was actually somehow not that bad. Or why Another 48 Hours is the most boring fucking buddy cop movie ever. No buddy cop movie should be boring.
Okay, I'm rambling, but I just wanted you to know how many reasons there are to never ever watch this movie. Sitting through this was really hard, especially when I could overhear my roommates watching Inglourious Basterds in the other room. Boy I wish I was watching that instead. A movie with laughter, with characters, with no Albino freaks. You owe me.
I am going into this movie pretty blind. Here is what I know: It "stars" (Space joke, probably funnier than any joke in this fucking movie)Eddie Murphy, he is in space, I think he runs a space bar(not the keyboard button) and it is going to be a steaming pile. Since this is an Eddie Murphy movie made after 1996, I can assume it will be completely devoid of any real humor. I can also assume that it will involve him playing multiple roles, probably at least one as a woman, and probably in a fat suit. The movie will have terrible visual effects, most of them involving Eddie's body parts enlarging to "comical" proportions, and he will probably sing some random pop song at some point that will not evoke even the tinniest of chuckles.
Well, here I go. Hopefully watching this movie will give me a better understanding of what it means to be a hero. By saving you from watching what will 100% most likely be the worst movie ever, I might gain a better understanding of why firemen run into burning buildings to save old ladies, or why that Chinese dude stood in front of that tank back in the day. I will be your hero, baby. Wish me luck...
94 impossibly long minutes later...
Jesus fucking christ. Dick Tracy and Space Jam fucked and The Adventures of Pluto Nash is their bastard space son. Turns out I was kinda right about a few things. Eddie Murphy did play various roles, but only as a clone to himself, as part of a twist ending that lacked the twist part. He also visited some space plastic surgeon who let him try out different body types, so I was sorta right about the whole fat suit thing too.
One thing that kept bothering me was the star power in this film. I'm not talking about Eddie Murphy, fuck that guy. I am talking about the supporting cast. The love interest in this movie was Rosario fucking Dawson. Yeah, THAT Rosario Dawson. Otherwise known as one of the five most beautiful creatures to ever grace this planet or the stupid future moon. She is so much better than this movie. It also features Joe Pantoliano, who only 3 years earlier played Cypher in The Matrix, and also had roles in The Fugitive/U.S. Marshalls and Memento, to name a few. What the fuck dude, you don't need this shit. I guess Ignorance really is bliss you turncoat bastard, I'm glad Tank fried your ass. R.I.P. Dozer. Alec Baldwin played a minor role, and to be fair, he was only featured on a news break in the movie. So in his defense, he could have thought he was shooting a scene for a much better movie, he had nothing to do with Eddie Murphy in his scene. Randy Quaid played a fucking robot in this movie, a fucking crazy robot, and it appeared to be a role he didn't have to prepare for that much. Randy Quaid is nuts in real life, and seeing him in this movie run around with guns and a huge smile on his face while he slaps robot ass really doesn't seem much like a stretch for him.
On the subject of characters, there was one that was so totally bizzare I couldn't keep my eyes off of him. Going into this movie, I had the feeling that there would be a midget involved in some major way, or some person on the same level of weirdness as a midget. Boy was I wrong. In the movie, Eddie and the most beautiful girl in the world Rosario Dawson are running away from bad guys who want Pluto dead because he owns a club that plays space remixes to Outkast songs. Well, Joe Pantoliano's main henchman is the weirdest thing I have seen in a long time. He was played by this Albino cross eyed dude, and I couldn't stop staring at him. He was just so ugly, yet so transfixing. He was like the perfect storm of ugly, and I couldn't tell if he was just a white ass white guy, or a super duper white black guy. He was like every race, but no race. I don't understand how he even exists, something is very wrong.
I remember reading about how this movie took hundreds of millions of dollars to make, and only grossed like 20 million. While watching this, I was trying to figure out where all the money went, and I just came up empty. Yeah I am sure a lot of it went to the cast, but Louis Guzman, as awesome as he is, isn't going to command a multi-million dollar contract. I was expecting to at least be treated to awesome CGI visuals, but instead the look of the movie fell somewhere between the first Men in Black and this interactive porno I once watched called Lust in Space.
My whole noble cause of watching this movie was all for you. I wanted to save you the trouble of ever having to witness this crap, and to help you out, and help you to be more convincing with when someone asks you for reasons why this movie shouldn't be watched, I will give you a plot summary.
The movie opens in a shitty space club on the moon, in a city called "Little America." Little America also strangely resembles the city on Mars in Total Recall, but sadly I spotted no three-boobed ladies, and Randy Quaid is definitely not the real Quaid. Jay Mohr plays some douche who owns the bar and sings every night while wearing a kilt and playing an accordian. His club is dirty and gross, and some mob guys are like "Hey you owe us 2.4 million dollars, and yeah that one mob guy is played by Paulie from Rocky." Pluto Nash steps up, says leave my friend Jay Mohr and his awesome Walken impression alone, and I will buy the club from you instead. Club Shitty becomes Club Pluto, everybody dances to horrible moon remixes of songs that mention the word moon in them at some point, and everyone dresses like the Neutrinos from the Ninja Turtles cartoons. Cypher and the Albino thing tell Pluto to sell them his club for ten million dollars or else. He says no, they blow up his club, try to kill him, and now he and his new waitress/singer Rosario Will You Marry Me Dawson are on the run. He meets non-interesting characters along the way, nothing is funny, and at the end he meets up with the employer of the people who want to kill him, who turns out to be a clone of Pluto. This explains how he henchmen knew where to find Pluto while he was on the run, not that they couldn't have followed the trail of gunshots, stolen cars voiced by John Cleese, and robots sexually harassing other robots. Pluto kills fake Pluto, re-opens new and improved bar, Rosario Angel Goddess Dawson is now the singer, and Randy Batshit Crazy Quaid is the new manager, and the final scene closes out on Pluto kicking back and smoking a cigar, something he has wanted to do since the first scene of the movie.
I can't help but wonder what he was thinking during that last scene. I would like to think that he was pondering why he didn't stop after the first Nutty Professor. Or why he did the third Bevery Hills Cop. Or why I Spy was actually somehow not that bad. Or why Another 48 Hours is the most boring fucking buddy cop movie ever. No buddy cop movie should be boring.
Okay, I'm rambling, but I just wanted you to know how many reasons there are to never ever watch this movie. Sitting through this was really hard, especially when I could overhear my roommates watching Inglourious Basterds in the other room. Boy I wish I was watching that instead. A movie with laughter, with characters, with no Albino freaks. You owe me.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Transformers 2
Those who know me well know that I LOVE movies. Well at least the majority of them anyway. Even movies that are just so-so, I usually try to find something nice to like about them, because most movies have at least one redeeming quality. This is not the case with Transformers 2.
For those of you who don't remember, at the end of the first Transformers, the Autobots defeated the bulk of the Decepticons, including their leader, Megatron. In order to prevent the Decepticons from coming to power again, the humans and surviving Autobots take Megatron's remains and dump him in the Mariana Trench. According to the movie, this trench is pretty fucking deep, and the pressure is so great that anything dropped down there will be crushed and imploded and shit. So of course in Transformers 2, a bunch of Decepticons dive down to re-activate Megatron, and of course none of them get crushed to death, and they get Megatron working again without any issues. What the fuck? Did the writers just assume everyone forgot about the end of the first movie? Were there even writers? A glimse into what a Michael Bay writers session might be like:
Michael Bay: "Okay, now get this! We are gonna make this movie exactly like the last one, only we are gonna spend a shitload more money! This time, we're gonna have bigger robots, bigger explosions, way more jive-talking robots, and like 3 times as many camera shots where the camera pans around dudes getting into fucking planes and shit."
What's funny is it took me a loooong time to come around to the first Transformers movie. I actually got to see it like ten days before it's official release, and it made my year to tell every fucking nerd I could find about how shitty it was. And then I saw Transformers 2, and suddenly the first movie didn't seem so bad anymore. Actually, I realized that I kinda liked the first movie now. Transformers 2 makes everything else so much better in comparison. It made me actually think Paul Blart: Mall Cop was a decent movie. It even made me realize that maybe pickles weren't so bad after all, and I left them on my cheeseburger.
Speaking of beef, I got a bone to pick with the whole concept of this movie. Here is a brief plot summary: Sam Witwicki is a boy who has it all; A loving family, a hot-as-fuck girfriend, a fucking robot/car/best friend, and an in with an army of transforming robots who treat him like he is royalty. There is only one thing he can do now: Move a thousand miles away from his too hot for him girlfriend, tell your robot car buddy you don't want him around anymore, and go to fucking college. COLLEGE. This dude has a pretty fucking sweet life, and he wants to go to school. He could be like Knight Rider, or Spy Hunter, or at the very least like that gaylord that drove Kirby the Love Bug around. Fuck that shit.
I know movies have contained negative racial stereotypes since forever, but Transformers 2 has some of the worst racist crap in it since black face. There are these two transformers, I think their names are like Skid Mark and Mud Slide or something. Anyway, they talk even more jive than Jazz from the first movie, and they say nothing but stupid ass shit. These robots from space have an intimate knowledge of the Earth and it's history, yet they all talk like dumbasses. Also, they look like monkeys, and they can't read. I am all for comic relief in action movies, but these dudes aren't funny.
Another reason this movie is so fucking stupid: The "old" Transformer who turns into the SR71 Blackbird plane. When he is not in his plane form, he is this decrepid looking robot with a robot beard and a cane. That's right, a robot with a cane. FIX YOURSELF, DUDE! There are other robots in this movie that are just as old as this motherfucker, and they don't have beards and canes. How does a robot grow a robot beard anyway? Stupid. Also, according to him he has no idea what the status of the robot civil war is, the one that went on hundreds of years ago. Yet, he has taken the form of a plane that has only been around since the mid-60's. So, according to that logic, he has only been hiding out for around 40 years. Surely he would have known what went down with their stupid war. Especially since the first movie made it known that Megatron was stuck in a fucking glacier until the 1900's.
Just thinking about this movie is making me pissed off. This isn't a movie I should hate. It has awesome robot cars duking it out and blowing the shit out of everything in sight. It just boggles my mind how a movie that needs to be about so little can still be screwed up so badly. Yet Michael Bay found a way. Just like he did with the Friday the 13th remake, and just like he will with the Nightmare on Elm Street remake as well. Fuck that guy.
In case you haven't been processing what I have been saying, there is nothing good about this movie. Being a guy who grew up playing with these toys, I can admitt that this movie has sweet robot explosion action, and nice eye candy in Megan Fox. Sadly, all the robots and hot chicks don't make up for a lack of a cohesive story and character development. Sam has trouble telling Megan Fox he loves her? PLEASE. Any dude out there would do everything he could to lock her down, most of us would do horrible horrible things to get with that girl. Like ice an entire troup of girl scouts.
So there you have it, a nerd's perspective on how not to make a movie for nerds. I could have gone on and on about every other thing I hated about this movie, but this is a blog post, not a college dissertation. Fuck Transformers 2. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK IT.
For those of you who don't remember, at the end of the first Transformers, the Autobots defeated the bulk of the Decepticons, including their leader, Megatron. In order to prevent the Decepticons from coming to power again, the humans and surviving Autobots take Megatron's remains and dump him in the Mariana Trench. According to the movie, this trench is pretty fucking deep, and the pressure is so great that anything dropped down there will be crushed and imploded and shit. So of course in Transformers 2, a bunch of Decepticons dive down to re-activate Megatron, and of course none of them get crushed to death, and they get Megatron working again without any issues. What the fuck? Did the writers just assume everyone forgot about the end of the first movie? Were there even writers? A glimse into what a Michael Bay writers session might be like:
Michael Bay: "Okay, now get this! We are gonna make this movie exactly like the last one, only we are gonna spend a shitload more money! This time, we're gonna have bigger robots, bigger explosions, way more jive-talking robots, and like 3 times as many camera shots where the camera pans around dudes getting into fucking planes and shit."
What's funny is it took me a loooong time to come around to the first Transformers movie. I actually got to see it like ten days before it's official release, and it made my year to tell every fucking nerd I could find about how shitty it was. And then I saw Transformers 2, and suddenly the first movie didn't seem so bad anymore. Actually, I realized that I kinda liked the first movie now. Transformers 2 makes everything else so much better in comparison. It made me actually think Paul Blart: Mall Cop was a decent movie. It even made me realize that maybe pickles weren't so bad after all, and I left them on my cheeseburger.
Speaking of beef, I got a bone to pick with the whole concept of this movie. Here is a brief plot summary: Sam Witwicki is a boy who has it all; A loving family, a hot-as-fuck girfriend, a fucking robot/car/best friend, and an in with an army of transforming robots who treat him like he is royalty. There is only one thing he can do now: Move a thousand miles away from his too hot for him girlfriend, tell your robot car buddy you don't want him around anymore, and go to fucking college. COLLEGE. This dude has a pretty fucking sweet life, and he wants to go to school. He could be like Knight Rider, or Spy Hunter, or at the very least like that gaylord that drove Kirby the Love Bug around. Fuck that shit.
I know movies have contained negative racial stereotypes since forever, but Transformers 2 has some of the worst racist crap in it since black face. There are these two transformers, I think their names are like Skid Mark and Mud Slide or something. Anyway, they talk even more jive than Jazz from the first movie, and they say nothing but stupid ass shit. These robots from space have an intimate knowledge of the Earth and it's history, yet they all talk like dumbasses. Also, they look like monkeys, and they can't read. I am all for comic relief in action movies, but these dudes aren't funny.
Another reason this movie is so fucking stupid: The "old" Transformer who turns into the SR71 Blackbird plane. When he is not in his plane form, he is this decrepid looking robot with a robot beard and a cane. That's right, a robot with a cane. FIX YOURSELF, DUDE! There are other robots in this movie that are just as old as this motherfucker, and they don't have beards and canes. How does a robot grow a robot beard anyway? Stupid. Also, according to him he has no idea what the status of the robot civil war is, the one that went on hundreds of years ago. Yet, he has taken the form of a plane that has only been around since the mid-60's. So, according to that logic, he has only been hiding out for around 40 years. Surely he would have known what went down with their stupid war. Especially since the first movie made it known that Megatron was stuck in a fucking glacier until the 1900's.
Just thinking about this movie is making me pissed off. This isn't a movie I should hate. It has awesome robot cars duking it out and blowing the shit out of everything in sight. It just boggles my mind how a movie that needs to be about so little can still be screwed up so badly. Yet Michael Bay found a way. Just like he did with the Friday the 13th remake, and just like he will with the Nightmare on Elm Street remake as well. Fuck that guy.
In case you haven't been processing what I have been saying, there is nothing good about this movie. Being a guy who grew up playing with these toys, I can admitt that this movie has sweet robot explosion action, and nice eye candy in Megan Fox. Sadly, all the robots and hot chicks don't make up for a lack of a cohesive story and character development. Sam has trouble telling Megan Fox he loves her? PLEASE. Any dude out there would do everything he could to lock her down, most of us would do horrible horrible things to get with that girl. Like ice an entire troup of girl scouts.
So there you have it, a nerd's perspective on how not to make a movie for nerds. I could have gone on and on about every other thing I hated about this movie, but this is a blog post, not a college dissertation. Fuck Transformers 2. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK IT.
Monday, December 28, 2009
The Postman
Boy oh boy do I love me some post-apocalyptic movies. Love 'em. This is what originally drew me to The Postman in the first place. That was seven or eight years ago. I remember thinking that it was okay, just a little bit long and weird though. That was then, and going into it now I have little assurance that this movie is going to be tolerable to watch, especially when you factor in the built-in shitfest effect that comes with every Kevin Costner movie.
The Plot:
Kevin Costner stars as himself, well not really, but he is the same goddamn character in every movie. Anyway, it's the future, not really sure when, but there was another world war or a plague or something, and common people are threatened by roving bands of pseudo-military forces who think they are in charge. Costner is a guy who gets thrown into a battle he wanted nothing to do with in the first place.
The Approach:
This fucking movie is 177 god forsaken minutes long, so I have decided to pause it every now and then and write about what I see. It's the only way to combat my brain's natural tendency to not remember anything about this stupid flick.
Okay, so the movie starts out with Costner talking to his mule, named Bill. Then he jumps on a trampoline in the middle of the desert in what appears to be the American southwest. Oh, and then they show a lion. Just like in fucking Narnia, I shit you not. The chances of a lion existing in America decades after the fall of civilization, and ZOOS, is pretty fucking small. Lion burgers anyone?
So then we find out that Costner is a nomad of sorts, traveling the land with his mule, only stopping into towns to get food and supplies. And what does he trade with to get these supplies you ask? Why, his acting talents, of course. This plot development has so far lead to two awesome scenes. In one, some guy comes up to him and tells him he fucking sucks at acting(SWEET) and in the next he gets in a Shakespeare line battle with some army guy, and gets his ass whipped verbally by said army guy. Costner says all the gay lines like "Too be or not to be" and this kickass army guy (don't know his name, but he was the dude in Armageddon who told his wife to give a toy spaceship to his son)came at him with every radical military inspirational line Shakespeare ever wrote. So even in a movie starring, directed, and produced by Costner, he still gets his one-dimensional ass beat by some brutish thug in nothing more than the equivelent of a play rehearsal. Pathetic.
Alright, so now he is in some huge prison/army training camp in the desert. We are introduced to Giovanni Ribissi's character, and big suprise, he plays a fucking weirdo in this one too. And apparently, they play movies on a huge drive in screen for all the residents of this camp at night. This camp is full of huge muscle-bound freaks who probably would listen to 93X if they could. Anyway, the projectionist puts on a movie. It is Universal Soldier, the crowd boos. He puts on The Sound Of Music, and they all quiet down; enthrawled by what they see on screen. Army dudes, booing an action flick in favor of a musical? What the fuck?
After jumping off a 100 foot tall bridge into a raging river, stabbing Giovanni Ribissi to death, and watching an army thug get mauled by that lion from the beginning of the movie, once again Costner is on his own, but at least he is away from that crazy military operation. They had began calling Costner "Shakespeare", which just seems wrong when you consider he was the greatest playwright in history, and Costner is mostly known for being a total shitbag actor, even though he is in some awesome movies.
So to escape certain death in what can only be described as a mild rain shower, Costner, or KC as I may begin referring to him as, seeks refuge in the wreck of an old mail truck. In this truck, he finds a Zippo lighter, and when it produces a flame, proceeds to make caveman noises. Then he talks to the skeleton of the dead postal worker, and reads a bunch of 15 year old mail. I guess this is where he decides that dressing like a postman is a brilliant idea and will make the whole plot make sense. Riiiiight.
Okay this is where things get kinda boring. He meets this chick who needs his sperm because her man's boys don't swim, so they bang, and it is pretty sexy banging for a sperm donation, if you ask me. After they get down, the bad guys kill the girl's husband, and she escapes to the woods with KC, who has been shot in the stomach, and she takes care of him in a cabin for like 3 fucking months. BORING. In the meantime, a whole crap load of kids who were inspired by KC decide to be postmen too, so when he returns to town there are like a hundred of them. Around this time I got really bored and started watching a video about Domino's Pizza and their new pizza, and I gotta say, that was way more entertaining and delicious looking. Although the girl that KC bangs was pretty attractive, and I saw her boobs, for a pretty long time too. Much longer than you usually get with a PG-13 movie...
Well it appears the new postal service is up and running. At every town the postmen go to, there is much rejoicing. Bill and Ted would probably say that everything is "most non hanus". At one of these festive events, a band is playing "Come and Get Your Love". This perplexes me because I don't know if they are covering the Redbone version, or the Real McCoy version. I would like to think they are covering the crappy 90's sorta-techno song though.
There is a bunch more drama, blah blah blah, woman and surrogate father KC finally hook up, and the postal service defeats an army.
Wow.
In summary, I really don't know what the hell I just watched. For awhile there it looked like Waterworld, then it became Mad Max:Beyond Thunderdome, and then it just turned into this huge fucking Civil War battle. I will do my best with a Pros and Cons list, but in all honesty, I am just very confused right now.
What was kinda cool:
1. Estimated year 2020 Tom Petty looked the same age as 1997 Tom Petty. Actually that's not cool at all, I just really wanted some pros for this list. Oh well...
Man Fuck This Movie Because:
1. It's 20 years in the future and nobody drives cars at all anymore? Fuck you.
2. Kevin Costner doesn't know how to talk to and act around women in movies. He is awkward around them, and is snippy as hell. Fuck that guy.
3. It's so goddamned long. Seriously, cut an hour out of this bitch, including KC's failed attempt at romance, and get this show on the road. It was a chore to stay awake for this one. Thank god for that Domino's video...
The Plot:
Kevin Costner stars as himself, well not really, but he is the same goddamn character in every movie. Anyway, it's the future, not really sure when, but there was another world war or a plague or something, and common people are threatened by roving bands of pseudo-military forces who think they are in charge. Costner is a guy who gets thrown into a battle he wanted nothing to do with in the first place.
The Approach:
This fucking movie is 177 god forsaken minutes long, so I have decided to pause it every now and then and write about what I see. It's the only way to combat my brain's natural tendency to not remember anything about this stupid flick.
Okay, so the movie starts out with Costner talking to his mule, named Bill. Then he jumps on a trampoline in the middle of the desert in what appears to be the American southwest. Oh, and then they show a lion. Just like in fucking Narnia, I shit you not. The chances of a lion existing in America decades after the fall of civilization, and ZOOS, is pretty fucking small. Lion burgers anyone?
So then we find out that Costner is a nomad of sorts, traveling the land with his mule, only stopping into towns to get food and supplies. And what does he trade with to get these supplies you ask? Why, his acting talents, of course. This plot development has so far lead to two awesome scenes. In one, some guy comes up to him and tells him he fucking sucks at acting(SWEET) and in the next he gets in a Shakespeare line battle with some army guy, and gets his ass whipped verbally by said army guy. Costner says all the gay lines like "Too be or not to be" and this kickass army guy (don't know his name, but he was the dude in Armageddon who told his wife to give a toy spaceship to his son)came at him with every radical military inspirational line Shakespeare ever wrote. So even in a movie starring, directed, and produced by Costner, he still gets his one-dimensional ass beat by some brutish thug in nothing more than the equivelent of a play rehearsal. Pathetic.
Alright, so now he is in some huge prison/army training camp in the desert. We are introduced to Giovanni Ribissi's character, and big suprise, he plays a fucking weirdo in this one too. And apparently, they play movies on a huge drive in screen for all the residents of this camp at night. This camp is full of huge muscle-bound freaks who probably would listen to 93X if they could. Anyway, the projectionist puts on a movie. It is Universal Soldier, the crowd boos. He puts on The Sound Of Music, and they all quiet down; enthrawled by what they see on screen. Army dudes, booing an action flick in favor of a musical? What the fuck?
After jumping off a 100 foot tall bridge into a raging river, stabbing Giovanni Ribissi to death, and watching an army thug get mauled by that lion from the beginning of the movie, once again Costner is on his own, but at least he is away from that crazy military operation. They had began calling Costner "Shakespeare", which just seems wrong when you consider he was the greatest playwright in history, and Costner is mostly known for being a total shitbag actor, even though he is in some awesome movies.
So to escape certain death in what can only be described as a mild rain shower, Costner, or KC as I may begin referring to him as, seeks refuge in the wreck of an old mail truck. In this truck, he finds a Zippo lighter, and when it produces a flame, proceeds to make caveman noises. Then he talks to the skeleton of the dead postal worker, and reads a bunch of 15 year old mail. I guess this is where he decides that dressing like a postman is a brilliant idea and will make the whole plot make sense. Riiiiight.
Okay this is where things get kinda boring. He meets this chick who needs his sperm because her man's boys don't swim, so they bang, and it is pretty sexy banging for a sperm donation, if you ask me. After they get down, the bad guys kill the girl's husband, and she escapes to the woods with KC, who has been shot in the stomach, and she takes care of him in a cabin for like 3 fucking months. BORING. In the meantime, a whole crap load of kids who were inspired by KC decide to be postmen too, so when he returns to town there are like a hundred of them. Around this time I got really bored and started watching a video about Domino's Pizza and their new pizza, and I gotta say, that was way more entertaining and delicious looking. Although the girl that KC bangs was pretty attractive, and I saw her boobs, for a pretty long time too. Much longer than you usually get with a PG-13 movie...
Well it appears the new postal service is up and running. At every town the postmen go to, there is much rejoicing. Bill and Ted would probably say that everything is "most non hanus". At one of these festive events, a band is playing "Come and Get Your Love". This perplexes me because I don't know if they are covering the Redbone version, or the Real McCoy version. I would like to think they are covering the crappy 90's sorta-techno song though.
There is a bunch more drama, blah blah blah, woman and surrogate father KC finally hook up, and the postal service defeats an army.
Wow.
In summary, I really don't know what the hell I just watched. For awhile there it looked like Waterworld, then it became Mad Max:Beyond Thunderdome, and then it just turned into this huge fucking Civil War battle. I will do my best with a Pros and Cons list, but in all honesty, I am just very confused right now.
What was kinda cool:
1. Estimated year 2020 Tom Petty looked the same age as 1997 Tom Petty. Actually that's not cool at all, I just really wanted some pros for this list. Oh well...
Man Fuck This Movie Because:
1. It's 20 years in the future and nobody drives cars at all anymore? Fuck you.
2. Kevin Costner doesn't know how to talk to and act around women in movies. He is awkward around them, and is snippy as hell. Fuck that guy.
3. It's so goddamned long. Seriously, cut an hour out of this bitch, including KC's failed attempt at romance, and get this show on the road. It was a chore to stay awake for this one. Thank god for that Domino's video...
Sunday, December 13, 2009
The Core
My hatred of The Core is no secret. It came out in 2003 and I don't think a week has gone by since where I didn't mention how shitty it was at least once. Today I decided to rewatch it for the first time since I wasted 5 bucks on it almost 7 years ago, thinking that maybe I was too hard on it the first time and it deserved a second chance.
Well it fucking doesn't. Holy fucking shit. This movie came out with the hopes of riding the coat tails of other disaster/end of the world films like Armageddon and Deep Impact, but falls short in every department.
One of my most constant gripes with terrible movies is their overdoing of CGI, especially when they don't have the budget or the knowhow to make it look good. Look at films like Terminator 2 and Jurassic Park, which came out in 1991 and 1993. The computer effects in both these movies still look good today, and are almost 20 years old. The Core came out a full decade after JP and yet it still has the CGI of a made-for-TV movie.
I suppose I better explain the premise of this shit show. It is present day, and all this weird shit starts happening. It turns out that the core of the Earth has stopped spinning, and because of this, the end of the world is looming ahead of us. They gather up a bunch of scientists and shit and they build this giant turd looking digging ship that is designed to burrow into the Earth's core and deliver a nuclear payload, which when detonated, is supposed to restart the core. I mean it makes total sense, in real life when you blow shit up, it causes stuff to randomly start spinning, happens all the time. Anyway, shit goes wrong and people die, and eventually they end up restarting the core, and the world doesn't end.
Now, in order for this stupid stupid plot to even begin to work, the movie had to invent a bunch of stupid crap that it doesn't bother explaining. Now I know this is a movie and you are supposed to suspend your belief and just take it as entertainment, but this movie treats you like you are retarded and don't know you are retarded.
Let's start with the ship. It looks like an elongated version of those drilling vehicles Bee-Bop and Rocksteady always rode in from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon, except more poop-like. Well this wonder ship is designed to obviously transport it's passangers to the middle of the Earth. Sounds like an amazing machine, right? Well it is. It is powered by an "experimental nuclear reactor". Wow, that sounds cool, care to explain what makes it so experimental? No? Well okay, just seems kind of irresponsable to spend "50 billion" dollars on a ship and have it be powered by something you have never tested.
It can get pretty hot in the middle of the Earth, like over 9000 degrees apparently, so naturally the ship would have to be made of something that could withstand all that heat. Good thing we have this new metal the movie made up, called "Unoptanium." That sounds really neato, and it sounds just like the word "unobtainable" which, if the name made sense, would make this a very precious metal indeed, and hard for anyone to get their hands on. Oh wait, it's not, because they built a ship the length of a football field made of nothing but this stuff.
This next point irked me, but I don't know enough about communication technology to really know if it would work or not. So in the movie, the crew of the ship stays in constant contact with the U.S. army above ground. It just seems a little unrealistic for a two-way radio to work when there is 7000 miles of rock between you and your buddies. I know they can do it in space, but that is also a wide open area with a direct sight-line and satellites to help. Just something that made me go hmmmmm.
I feel bad for the actors in this one. It's like they felt bad for being left out of all the previous disaster movies so they signed on for this one just so they could hang out with those movie's stars and be cool like them. At least it didn't end their careers. The two biggest stars in this film are Aaron Eckhart and Hilary Swank, and they both had the biggest roles in their careers after this came out. Eckhart played Harvey Dent in The Dark Knight, and Swank played an ugly girl in all of her movies.
All in all, this movie expects you to suspend too many beliefs for it even to begin to work, and if you can do that, it relies on you forgetting that you are a human being capable of rational thought. This movie fucking blows.
Pros:
1. There is a scene, which never gets explained, in which all the birds go ape-shit and fall out of the sky and cause huge accidents. Seriously, people freak out because it rains birds...more birds than anyone has ever ever ever seen, even in the midst of a migration. For real, it rains birds for like 2 minutes straight, and people are running around losing their shit. Fucking awesome.
2. Hilary Swank was probably her least ugliest in this movie, she hasn't looked this "good" since The Next Karate Kid. Who would have thought back then that just a plain jane would grow up to be such a handsome transexual?
3. Delroy Lindo was in this, and he is the shit. He is a smooth Shaft like black guy who is in such movies as Get Shorty, Romeo Must Die, and The One. I think he dies in all of these movies, except Romeo Must Die, where he only gets shot and almost dies, but not before making a short joke about Jet Li.
4. It took my mind off of my fantasy team losing it's game, causing me to be eliminated from the playoffs.
5. Someone holds up a magazine in the movie, and on the back cover is an advertisement for "Shadow Man" which was a game that came out in like 1999 for the Playstation and N64, later ported to the Dreamcast. Anyway, that game always looked like fun, and in the movie that magazine is supposed to be current...and it has an ad for a videogame that is over 4 years old...hmmm...
Cons:
1. Hilary Swank's face, but not her sort of bangin' body. It was the only do-able female form in the whole goddamn film, how sexist, the producers must all be women.
2. The fact that I know that the next movie I watch is going to be even worse than this one.
3. The movie has really shitty looking fonts, and uses incomplete sentances. For instance, when the movie wants you to know that it is taking you to a different location, it will display it on the bottom of the screen, no biggy, pretty much all movies do this. But this one uses some dumbass Lost in Space font and does it with sentance fragments like "Off the Coast of Hawaii" Would it kill you to have it be "Somewhere off the Coast of Hawaii"?
4. Okay, so in the movie, they are drilling through thousands of miles of rocks. On the way back, their drill goes out, and they are forced to navigate at speeds three times what they went in with, with no drill, all the while dodging HUMONGOUS boulders, any of which could destroy the ship. While on the return trip, the movie actually has the balls to display "16 Hours Later" in their stupid font. With the way they were going, there is no way they would survive 16 hours of that shit, but the movie expects you to believe it.
5. DJ Qualls. I know the dude had cancer back in the day, but man, how many times can you play the same skinny nerd loser who gets no play? Roadtrip? Fine, he can have that one, it was his first. But this and The New Guy? Jigga please.
Well it fucking doesn't. Holy fucking shit. This movie came out with the hopes of riding the coat tails of other disaster/end of the world films like Armageddon and Deep Impact, but falls short in every department.
One of my most constant gripes with terrible movies is their overdoing of CGI, especially when they don't have the budget or the knowhow to make it look good. Look at films like Terminator 2 and Jurassic Park, which came out in 1991 and 1993. The computer effects in both these movies still look good today, and are almost 20 years old. The Core came out a full decade after JP and yet it still has the CGI of a made-for-TV movie.
I suppose I better explain the premise of this shit show. It is present day, and all this weird shit starts happening. It turns out that the core of the Earth has stopped spinning, and because of this, the end of the world is looming ahead of us. They gather up a bunch of scientists and shit and they build this giant turd looking digging ship that is designed to burrow into the Earth's core and deliver a nuclear payload, which when detonated, is supposed to restart the core. I mean it makes total sense, in real life when you blow shit up, it causes stuff to randomly start spinning, happens all the time. Anyway, shit goes wrong and people die, and eventually they end up restarting the core, and the world doesn't end.
Now, in order for this stupid stupid plot to even begin to work, the movie had to invent a bunch of stupid crap that it doesn't bother explaining. Now I know this is a movie and you are supposed to suspend your belief and just take it as entertainment, but this movie treats you like you are retarded and don't know you are retarded.
Let's start with the ship. It looks like an elongated version of those drilling vehicles Bee-Bop and Rocksteady always rode in from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon, except more poop-like. Well this wonder ship is designed to obviously transport it's passangers to the middle of the Earth. Sounds like an amazing machine, right? Well it is. It is powered by an "experimental nuclear reactor". Wow, that sounds cool, care to explain what makes it so experimental? No? Well okay, just seems kind of irresponsable to spend "50 billion" dollars on a ship and have it be powered by something you have never tested.
It can get pretty hot in the middle of the Earth, like over 9000 degrees apparently, so naturally the ship would have to be made of something that could withstand all that heat. Good thing we have this new metal the movie made up, called "Unoptanium." That sounds really neato, and it sounds just like the word "unobtainable" which, if the name made sense, would make this a very precious metal indeed, and hard for anyone to get their hands on. Oh wait, it's not, because they built a ship the length of a football field made of nothing but this stuff.
This next point irked me, but I don't know enough about communication technology to really know if it would work or not. So in the movie, the crew of the ship stays in constant contact with the U.S. army above ground. It just seems a little unrealistic for a two-way radio to work when there is 7000 miles of rock between you and your buddies. I know they can do it in space, but that is also a wide open area with a direct sight-line and satellites to help. Just something that made me go hmmmmm.
I feel bad for the actors in this one. It's like they felt bad for being left out of all the previous disaster movies so they signed on for this one just so they could hang out with those movie's stars and be cool like them. At least it didn't end their careers. The two biggest stars in this film are Aaron Eckhart and Hilary Swank, and they both had the biggest roles in their careers after this came out. Eckhart played Harvey Dent in The Dark Knight, and Swank played an ugly girl in all of her movies.
All in all, this movie expects you to suspend too many beliefs for it even to begin to work, and if you can do that, it relies on you forgetting that you are a human being capable of rational thought. This movie fucking blows.
Pros:
1. There is a scene, which never gets explained, in which all the birds go ape-shit and fall out of the sky and cause huge accidents. Seriously, people freak out because it rains birds...more birds than anyone has ever ever ever seen, even in the midst of a migration. For real, it rains birds for like 2 minutes straight, and people are running around losing their shit. Fucking awesome.
2. Hilary Swank was probably her least ugliest in this movie, she hasn't looked this "good" since The Next Karate Kid. Who would have thought back then that just a plain jane would grow up to be such a handsome transexual?
3. Delroy Lindo was in this, and he is the shit. He is a smooth Shaft like black guy who is in such movies as Get Shorty, Romeo Must Die, and The One. I think he dies in all of these movies, except Romeo Must Die, where he only gets shot and almost dies, but not before making a short joke about Jet Li.
4. It took my mind off of my fantasy team losing it's game, causing me to be eliminated from the playoffs.
5. Someone holds up a magazine in the movie, and on the back cover is an advertisement for "Shadow Man" which was a game that came out in like 1999 for the Playstation and N64, later ported to the Dreamcast. Anyway, that game always looked like fun, and in the movie that magazine is supposed to be current...and it has an ad for a videogame that is over 4 years old...hmmm...
Cons:
1. Hilary Swank's face, but not her sort of bangin' body. It was the only do-able female form in the whole goddamn film, how sexist, the producers must all be women.
2. The fact that I know that the next movie I watch is going to be even worse than this one.
3. The movie has really shitty looking fonts, and uses incomplete sentances. For instance, when the movie wants you to know that it is taking you to a different location, it will display it on the bottom of the screen, no biggy, pretty much all movies do this. But this one uses some dumbass Lost in Space font and does it with sentance fragments like "Off the Coast of Hawaii" Would it kill you to have it be "Somewhere off the Coast of Hawaii"?
4. Okay, so in the movie, they are drilling through thousands of miles of rocks. On the way back, their drill goes out, and they are forced to navigate at speeds three times what they went in with, with no drill, all the while dodging HUMONGOUS boulders, any of which could destroy the ship. While on the return trip, the movie actually has the balls to display "16 Hours Later" in their stupid font. With the way they were going, there is no way they would survive 16 hours of that shit, but the movie expects you to believe it.
5. DJ Qualls. I know the dude had cancer back in the day, but man, how many times can you play the same skinny nerd loser who gets no play? Roadtrip? Fine, he can have that one, it was his first. But this and The New Guy? Jigga please.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Raptor Island
If there is one thing in this world I love more than dinosaurs, it's zombies. And then boobs. Well dinosaurs are at least my third favorite thing. Besides vaginas. Okay, forth, but that is still pretty damn good.
The point is, I consider myself to be a dinosaur fan, have been my whole life. From Denver the Last Dinosaur, to Prehysteria, to Jurassic Park, I will fucking watch anything with a perhistoric beast in it. Which is what led me to Raptor Island.
It's hard to really know where to begin with this movie. On the one hand, it "stars" Lorenzo Lamas, otherwise known as Reno Raines from The Renegade tv show. He is a pretty big dickhead who has been in a bunch of soap operas, and is the star of a movie called Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, which I'm sure will show up on this blog someday.
And then, we must consider that this is a SciFi channel original movie. Never really a mark of quality, except in the case of The House of the Dead 2, which Uwe Boll had nothing to do with. Also, when a movie is a SciFi original, it means it most likely will feature super shitty CGI graphics, which this one has in spades. I don't think I have been this impressed with CGI computer graphics since Dino Crisis came out for the fucking Playstation ten years ago.
What we must also consider is how a movie like this can possibly work. The plot of the movie goes as follows: An "elite" group of counter-terrorist operatives are hunting down a group of...wait for it...terrorists. They track the terrorists to a boat which they promptly blow up, in a scene that features ultra realistic explosions, and then proceed to pursue the terrorists to an island in south Asia.
When they get to the island, guess what they encounter? That's right, raptors. The fact that everyone in the movie calls them raptors I find to be truly hilarious. First off, their full name is "Velociraptor" a name that most people, including me, a dinosaur freak, would not even know if not for the Jurassic park book/movie series. So that would mean that we must assume that in the world of Raptor Island, Jurassic Park was the same cultural phenomenon that it was in our world. We must also consider the fact that the Velociraptors in the Jurassic Park movies were actually based off of the dinosaur called Deinonychus, latin for "Terrible Claw" Terrible indeed, wouldn't you agree, Robert Muldoon and Ray Arnold? Oh wait, you two are fucking dead, BURN! Anyway, Velociraptors were actually only like 3 fucking feet tall and their name was latin for "Speedy Theif". So yeah, what I am trying to say is this misconception alone is enough to consider this a shitty movie. It would be like someone in the 1800's being like "Oh Shit, it's a fucking Delorian, those cars are stupid cool!" when Marty McFly showed up.
Alright, gotta get back on topic. Allow me to summarize the movie from the point which the two groups arrived on the island, from the perspective of Lorenzo Lamas's shitty character: Oh, fuck! It's a bunch of dinosaurs! Everybody shoot at them while they stand there idle and repeat the same sets of animations! Okay, this is so weird, even though we are all members of an elite killing squad, none of us are able to hit these giant dinosaurs from 5 yards away...the terrorists seem to be having trouble too. Alright, it seems after a thousand or two bullets, we can finally drop these things. Hey look! It's a CIA opperative the Terrorists kidnapped, let's rescue her! Wow, she is cute, not hot, but SciFi channel hot, and claims she didn't need to be rescued. What a stupid bitch. At least she agrees with us that these things must be dinosaurs. Hey look at that, some old toxic waste barrels from America are littered on the ground around the remains of a Chinese Airplane. An airplane that looks supsiciously like the model airplane meant to appear to be a real airplane flying through rough weather in the opening title sequence of this retarded movie. Let's see...American toxic chemicals, Chinese plane...this could only mean one thing, of course! The chemicals from these barrels seaped into the ground and turned every living creature on this island into a dinosaur! Goddammit, I hate when that fucking happens! Oh shit, We completely forgot about the terrorists, let's go find them! They seem to be hiding out in this strange cave...oh god...it is a breeding ground for hundreds of raptors! How in the holy hell did they figure out how to poorly render that many dinosaurs at one time? And now the ground is shaking....this cave is also an active volcano! Quick, to the boat, while the main bad guy gets eaten by a dinosaur even bigger than the raptors! Okay, whew, we escaped, but look, there are three raptors swimming after our boat as we leave, this must mean there will be a sequel someday, right? Well, in the meantime, I am going to divorce a 4th wife and star in a reality show that lasts two episodes. I'll be back, Raptor Island! And this time, with Dreamcast caliber graphics!
Pros:
1. When I see Lorenzo Lamas, it reminds me of my days as a child in the summertime, watching back to back episodes of The Renegade and The Highlander tv show. Which reminded me of the main character from the Highlander show, who in my mind, reminded me of Ross from Friends. Thank you Raptor Island.
2. After attempting to watch this movie twice, and falling asleep both times, I was still able to follow the plot. Let's give the writing team a hand.
3. I found the chick in this movie to be attractive, in a "hey, I've already had 4 beers, and you are the only girl at this sausage fest" kind of way.
4. The guns the guys were using made me want to play some Call of Duty.
5. Lorenzo Lamas finally cut his pony tail.
Cons:
1. Not once did I actually get to see the raptors eat anyone. All I got was a close up of a dinosaur in a biting stance, a scream from a person, and then a pile of bloody chunks that always seemed to be just barely in the picture. THOSE BITCHES WERE HUNGRY!
2. This movie retails for $22 dollars at Best Buy.
3. One of the guys shot like three baby raptors, and by shot I mean blew them in half. They were pretty cute and harmless, so this made me a little sad.
4. Nobody said any one-liners about making dinosaurs extinct while shooting them.
5.The possibility of a sequel.
So there it is. If you are looking for a movie with dinosaurs, the lastest in 1994 computer graphics, a shitty plot, and a volcano, keep looking. There has to be something better than this.
The point is, I consider myself to be a dinosaur fan, have been my whole life. From Denver the Last Dinosaur, to Prehysteria, to Jurassic Park, I will fucking watch anything with a perhistoric beast in it. Which is what led me to Raptor Island.
It's hard to really know where to begin with this movie. On the one hand, it "stars" Lorenzo Lamas, otherwise known as Reno Raines from The Renegade tv show. He is a pretty big dickhead who has been in a bunch of soap operas, and is the star of a movie called Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, which I'm sure will show up on this blog someday.
And then, we must consider that this is a SciFi channel original movie. Never really a mark of quality, except in the case of The House of the Dead 2, which Uwe Boll had nothing to do with. Also, when a movie is a SciFi original, it means it most likely will feature super shitty CGI graphics, which this one has in spades. I don't think I have been this impressed with CGI computer graphics since Dino Crisis came out for the fucking Playstation ten years ago.
What we must also consider is how a movie like this can possibly work. The plot of the movie goes as follows: An "elite" group of counter-terrorist operatives are hunting down a group of...wait for it...terrorists. They track the terrorists to a boat which they promptly blow up, in a scene that features ultra realistic explosions, and then proceed to pursue the terrorists to an island in south Asia.
When they get to the island, guess what they encounter? That's right, raptors. The fact that everyone in the movie calls them raptors I find to be truly hilarious. First off, their full name is "Velociraptor" a name that most people, including me, a dinosaur freak, would not even know if not for the Jurassic park book/movie series. So that would mean that we must assume that in the world of Raptor Island, Jurassic Park was the same cultural phenomenon that it was in our world. We must also consider the fact that the Velociraptors in the Jurassic Park movies were actually based off of the dinosaur called Deinonychus, latin for "Terrible Claw" Terrible indeed, wouldn't you agree, Robert Muldoon and Ray Arnold? Oh wait, you two are fucking dead, BURN! Anyway, Velociraptors were actually only like 3 fucking feet tall and their name was latin for "Speedy Theif". So yeah, what I am trying to say is this misconception alone is enough to consider this a shitty movie. It would be like someone in the 1800's being like "Oh Shit, it's a fucking Delorian, those cars are stupid cool!" when Marty McFly showed up.
Alright, gotta get back on topic. Allow me to summarize the movie from the point which the two groups arrived on the island, from the perspective of Lorenzo Lamas's shitty character: Oh, fuck! It's a bunch of dinosaurs! Everybody shoot at them while they stand there idle and repeat the same sets of animations! Okay, this is so weird, even though we are all members of an elite killing squad, none of us are able to hit these giant dinosaurs from 5 yards away...the terrorists seem to be having trouble too. Alright, it seems after a thousand or two bullets, we can finally drop these things. Hey look! It's a CIA opperative the Terrorists kidnapped, let's rescue her! Wow, she is cute, not hot, but SciFi channel hot, and claims she didn't need to be rescued. What a stupid bitch. At least she agrees with us that these things must be dinosaurs. Hey look at that, some old toxic waste barrels from America are littered on the ground around the remains of a Chinese Airplane. An airplane that looks supsiciously like the model airplane meant to appear to be a real airplane flying through rough weather in the opening title sequence of this retarded movie. Let's see...American toxic chemicals, Chinese plane...this could only mean one thing, of course! The chemicals from these barrels seaped into the ground and turned every living creature on this island into a dinosaur! Goddammit, I hate when that fucking happens! Oh shit, We completely forgot about the terrorists, let's go find them! They seem to be hiding out in this strange cave...oh god...it is a breeding ground for hundreds of raptors! How in the holy hell did they figure out how to poorly render that many dinosaurs at one time? And now the ground is shaking....this cave is also an active volcano! Quick, to the boat, while the main bad guy gets eaten by a dinosaur even bigger than the raptors! Okay, whew, we escaped, but look, there are three raptors swimming after our boat as we leave, this must mean there will be a sequel someday, right? Well, in the meantime, I am going to divorce a 4th wife and star in a reality show that lasts two episodes. I'll be back, Raptor Island! And this time, with Dreamcast caliber graphics!
Pros:
1. When I see Lorenzo Lamas, it reminds me of my days as a child in the summertime, watching back to back episodes of The Renegade and The Highlander tv show. Which reminded me of the main character from the Highlander show, who in my mind, reminded me of Ross from Friends. Thank you Raptor Island.
2. After attempting to watch this movie twice, and falling asleep both times, I was still able to follow the plot. Let's give the writing team a hand.
3. I found the chick in this movie to be attractive, in a "hey, I've already had 4 beers, and you are the only girl at this sausage fest" kind of way.
4. The guns the guys were using made me want to play some Call of Duty.
5. Lorenzo Lamas finally cut his pony tail.
Cons:
1. Not once did I actually get to see the raptors eat anyone. All I got was a close up of a dinosaur in a biting stance, a scream from a person, and then a pile of bloody chunks that always seemed to be just barely in the picture. THOSE BITCHES WERE HUNGRY!
2. This movie retails for $22 dollars at Best Buy.
3. One of the guys shot like three baby raptors, and by shot I mean blew them in half. They were pretty cute and harmless, so this made me a little sad.
4. Nobody said any one-liners about making dinosaurs extinct while shooting them.
5.The possibility of a sequel.
So there it is. If you are looking for a movie with dinosaurs, the lastest in 1994 computer graphics, a shitty plot, and a volcano, keep looking. There has to be something better than this.
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