Those who know me well know that I LOVE movies. Well at least the majority of them anyway. Even movies that are just so-so, I usually try to find something nice to like about them, because most movies have at least one redeeming quality. This is not the case with Transformers 2.
For those of you who don't remember, at the end of the first Transformers, the Autobots defeated the bulk of the Decepticons, including their leader, Megatron. In order to prevent the Decepticons from coming to power again, the humans and surviving Autobots take Megatron's remains and dump him in the Mariana Trench. According to the movie, this trench is pretty fucking deep, and the pressure is so great that anything dropped down there will be crushed and imploded and shit. So of course in Transformers 2, a bunch of Decepticons dive down to re-activate Megatron, and of course none of them get crushed to death, and they get Megatron working again without any issues. What the fuck? Did the writers just assume everyone forgot about the end of the first movie? Were there even writers? A glimse into what a Michael Bay writers session might be like:
Michael Bay: "Okay, now get this! We are gonna make this movie exactly like the last one, only we are gonna spend a shitload more money! This time, we're gonna have bigger robots, bigger explosions, way more jive-talking robots, and like 3 times as many camera shots where the camera pans around dudes getting into fucking planes and shit."
What's funny is it took me a loooong time to come around to the first Transformers movie. I actually got to see it like ten days before it's official release, and it made my year to tell every fucking nerd I could find about how shitty it was. And then I saw Transformers 2, and suddenly the first movie didn't seem so bad anymore. Actually, I realized that I kinda liked the first movie now. Transformers 2 makes everything else so much better in comparison. It made me actually think Paul Blart: Mall Cop was a decent movie. It even made me realize that maybe pickles weren't so bad after all, and I left them on my cheeseburger.
Speaking of beef, I got a bone to pick with the whole concept of this movie. Here is a brief plot summary: Sam Witwicki is a boy who has it all; A loving family, a hot-as-fuck girfriend, a fucking robot/car/best friend, and an in with an army of transforming robots who treat him like he is royalty. There is only one thing he can do now: Move a thousand miles away from his too hot for him girlfriend, tell your robot car buddy you don't want him around anymore, and go to fucking college. COLLEGE. This dude has a pretty fucking sweet life, and he wants to go to school. He could be like Knight Rider, or Spy Hunter, or at the very least like that gaylord that drove Kirby the Love Bug around. Fuck that shit.
I know movies have contained negative racial stereotypes since forever, but Transformers 2 has some of the worst racist crap in it since black face. There are these two transformers, I think their names are like Skid Mark and Mud Slide or something. Anyway, they talk even more jive than Jazz from the first movie, and they say nothing but stupid ass shit. These robots from space have an intimate knowledge of the Earth and it's history, yet they all talk like dumbasses. Also, they look like monkeys, and they can't read. I am all for comic relief in action movies, but these dudes aren't funny.
Another reason this movie is so fucking stupid: The "old" Transformer who turns into the SR71 Blackbird plane. When he is not in his plane form, he is this decrepid looking robot with a robot beard and a cane. That's right, a robot with a cane. FIX YOURSELF, DUDE! There are other robots in this movie that are just as old as this motherfucker, and they don't have beards and canes. How does a robot grow a robot beard anyway? Stupid. Also, according to him he has no idea what the status of the robot civil war is, the one that went on hundreds of years ago. Yet, he has taken the form of a plane that has only been around since the mid-60's. So, according to that logic, he has only been hiding out for around 40 years. Surely he would have known what went down with their stupid war. Especially since the first movie made it known that Megatron was stuck in a fucking glacier until the 1900's.
Just thinking about this movie is making me pissed off. This isn't a movie I should hate. It has awesome robot cars duking it out and blowing the shit out of everything in sight. It just boggles my mind how a movie that needs to be about so little can still be screwed up so badly. Yet Michael Bay found a way. Just like he did with the Friday the 13th remake, and just like he will with the Nightmare on Elm Street remake as well. Fuck that guy.
In case you haven't been processing what I have been saying, there is nothing good about this movie. Being a guy who grew up playing with these toys, I can admitt that this movie has sweet robot explosion action, and nice eye candy in Megan Fox. Sadly, all the robots and hot chicks don't make up for a lack of a cohesive story and character development. Sam has trouble telling Megan Fox he loves her? PLEASE. Any dude out there would do everything he could to lock her down, most of us would do horrible horrible things to get with that girl. Like ice an entire troup of girl scouts.
So there you have it, a nerd's perspective on how not to make a movie for nerds. I could have gone on and on about every other thing I hated about this movie, but this is a blog post, not a college dissertation. Fuck Transformers 2. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK IT.
Showing posts with label bad movies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bad movies. Show all posts
Monday, January 18, 2010
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Raptor Island
If there is one thing in this world I love more than dinosaurs, it's zombies. And then boobs. Well dinosaurs are at least my third favorite thing. Besides vaginas. Okay, forth, but that is still pretty damn good.
The point is, I consider myself to be a dinosaur fan, have been my whole life. From Denver the Last Dinosaur, to Prehysteria, to Jurassic Park, I will fucking watch anything with a perhistoric beast in it. Which is what led me to Raptor Island.
It's hard to really know where to begin with this movie. On the one hand, it "stars" Lorenzo Lamas, otherwise known as Reno Raines from The Renegade tv show. He is a pretty big dickhead who has been in a bunch of soap operas, and is the star of a movie called Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, which I'm sure will show up on this blog someday.
And then, we must consider that this is a SciFi channel original movie. Never really a mark of quality, except in the case of The House of the Dead 2, which Uwe Boll had nothing to do with. Also, when a movie is a SciFi original, it means it most likely will feature super shitty CGI graphics, which this one has in spades. I don't think I have been this impressed with CGI computer graphics since Dino Crisis came out for the fucking Playstation ten years ago.
What we must also consider is how a movie like this can possibly work. The plot of the movie goes as follows: An "elite" group of counter-terrorist operatives are hunting down a group of...wait for it...terrorists. They track the terrorists to a boat which they promptly blow up, in a scene that features ultra realistic explosions, and then proceed to pursue the terrorists to an island in south Asia.
When they get to the island, guess what they encounter? That's right, raptors. The fact that everyone in the movie calls them raptors I find to be truly hilarious. First off, their full name is "Velociraptor" a name that most people, including me, a dinosaur freak, would not even know if not for the Jurassic park book/movie series. So that would mean that we must assume that in the world of Raptor Island, Jurassic Park was the same cultural phenomenon that it was in our world. We must also consider the fact that the Velociraptors in the Jurassic Park movies were actually based off of the dinosaur called Deinonychus, latin for "Terrible Claw" Terrible indeed, wouldn't you agree, Robert Muldoon and Ray Arnold? Oh wait, you two are fucking dead, BURN! Anyway, Velociraptors were actually only like 3 fucking feet tall and their name was latin for "Speedy Theif". So yeah, what I am trying to say is this misconception alone is enough to consider this a shitty movie. It would be like someone in the 1800's being like "Oh Shit, it's a fucking Delorian, those cars are stupid cool!" when Marty McFly showed up.
Alright, gotta get back on topic. Allow me to summarize the movie from the point which the two groups arrived on the island, from the perspective of Lorenzo Lamas's shitty character: Oh, fuck! It's a bunch of dinosaurs! Everybody shoot at them while they stand there idle and repeat the same sets of animations! Okay, this is so weird, even though we are all members of an elite killing squad, none of us are able to hit these giant dinosaurs from 5 yards away...the terrorists seem to be having trouble too. Alright, it seems after a thousand or two bullets, we can finally drop these things. Hey look! It's a CIA opperative the Terrorists kidnapped, let's rescue her! Wow, she is cute, not hot, but SciFi channel hot, and claims she didn't need to be rescued. What a stupid bitch. At least she agrees with us that these things must be dinosaurs. Hey look at that, some old toxic waste barrels from America are littered on the ground around the remains of a Chinese Airplane. An airplane that looks supsiciously like the model airplane meant to appear to be a real airplane flying through rough weather in the opening title sequence of this retarded movie. Let's see...American toxic chemicals, Chinese plane...this could only mean one thing, of course! The chemicals from these barrels seaped into the ground and turned every living creature on this island into a dinosaur! Goddammit, I hate when that fucking happens! Oh shit, We completely forgot about the terrorists, let's go find them! They seem to be hiding out in this strange cave...oh god...it is a breeding ground for hundreds of raptors! How in the holy hell did they figure out how to poorly render that many dinosaurs at one time? And now the ground is shaking....this cave is also an active volcano! Quick, to the boat, while the main bad guy gets eaten by a dinosaur even bigger than the raptors! Okay, whew, we escaped, but look, there are three raptors swimming after our boat as we leave, this must mean there will be a sequel someday, right? Well, in the meantime, I am going to divorce a 4th wife and star in a reality show that lasts two episodes. I'll be back, Raptor Island! And this time, with Dreamcast caliber graphics!
Pros:
1. When I see Lorenzo Lamas, it reminds me of my days as a child in the summertime, watching back to back episodes of The Renegade and The Highlander tv show. Which reminded me of the main character from the Highlander show, who in my mind, reminded me of Ross from Friends. Thank you Raptor Island.
2. After attempting to watch this movie twice, and falling asleep both times, I was still able to follow the plot. Let's give the writing team a hand.
3. I found the chick in this movie to be attractive, in a "hey, I've already had 4 beers, and you are the only girl at this sausage fest" kind of way.
4. The guns the guys were using made me want to play some Call of Duty.
5. Lorenzo Lamas finally cut his pony tail.
Cons:
1. Not once did I actually get to see the raptors eat anyone. All I got was a close up of a dinosaur in a biting stance, a scream from a person, and then a pile of bloody chunks that always seemed to be just barely in the picture. THOSE BITCHES WERE HUNGRY!
2. This movie retails for $22 dollars at Best Buy.
3. One of the guys shot like three baby raptors, and by shot I mean blew them in half. They were pretty cute and harmless, so this made me a little sad.
4. Nobody said any one-liners about making dinosaurs extinct while shooting them.
5.The possibility of a sequel.
So there it is. If you are looking for a movie with dinosaurs, the lastest in 1994 computer graphics, a shitty plot, and a volcano, keep looking. There has to be something better than this.
The point is, I consider myself to be a dinosaur fan, have been my whole life. From Denver the Last Dinosaur, to Prehysteria, to Jurassic Park, I will fucking watch anything with a perhistoric beast in it. Which is what led me to Raptor Island.
It's hard to really know where to begin with this movie. On the one hand, it "stars" Lorenzo Lamas, otherwise known as Reno Raines from The Renegade tv show. He is a pretty big dickhead who has been in a bunch of soap operas, and is the star of a movie called Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, which I'm sure will show up on this blog someday.
And then, we must consider that this is a SciFi channel original movie. Never really a mark of quality, except in the case of The House of the Dead 2, which Uwe Boll had nothing to do with. Also, when a movie is a SciFi original, it means it most likely will feature super shitty CGI graphics, which this one has in spades. I don't think I have been this impressed with CGI computer graphics since Dino Crisis came out for the fucking Playstation ten years ago.
What we must also consider is how a movie like this can possibly work. The plot of the movie goes as follows: An "elite" group of counter-terrorist operatives are hunting down a group of...wait for it...terrorists. They track the terrorists to a boat which they promptly blow up, in a scene that features ultra realistic explosions, and then proceed to pursue the terrorists to an island in south Asia.
When they get to the island, guess what they encounter? That's right, raptors. The fact that everyone in the movie calls them raptors I find to be truly hilarious. First off, their full name is "Velociraptor" a name that most people, including me, a dinosaur freak, would not even know if not for the Jurassic park book/movie series. So that would mean that we must assume that in the world of Raptor Island, Jurassic Park was the same cultural phenomenon that it was in our world. We must also consider the fact that the Velociraptors in the Jurassic Park movies were actually based off of the dinosaur called Deinonychus, latin for "Terrible Claw" Terrible indeed, wouldn't you agree, Robert Muldoon and Ray Arnold? Oh wait, you two are fucking dead, BURN! Anyway, Velociraptors were actually only like 3 fucking feet tall and their name was latin for "Speedy Theif". So yeah, what I am trying to say is this misconception alone is enough to consider this a shitty movie. It would be like someone in the 1800's being like "Oh Shit, it's a fucking Delorian, those cars are stupid cool!" when Marty McFly showed up.
Alright, gotta get back on topic. Allow me to summarize the movie from the point which the two groups arrived on the island, from the perspective of Lorenzo Lamas's shitty character: Oh, fuck! It's a bunch of dinosaurs! Everybody shoot at them while they stand there idle and repeat the same sets of animations! Okay, this is so weird, even though we are all members of an elite killing squad, none of us are able to hit these giant dinosaurs from 5 yards away...the terrorists seem to be having trouble too. Alright, it seems after a thousand or two bullets, we can finally drop these things. Hey look! It's a CIA opperative the Terrorists kidnapped, let's rescue her! Wow, she is cute, not hot, but SciFi channel hot, and claims she didn't need to be rescued. What a stupid bitch. At least she agrees with us that these things must be dinosaurs. Hey look at that, some old toxic waste barrels from America are littered on the ground around the remains of a Chinese Airplane. An airplane that looks supsiciously like the model airplane meant to appear to be a real airplane flying through rough weather in the opening title sequence of this retarded movie. Let's see...American toxic chemicals, Chinese plane...this could only mean one thing, of course! The chemicals from these barrels seaped into the ground and turned every living creature on this island into a dinosaur! Goddammit, I hate when that fucking happens! Oh shit, We completely forgot about the terrorists, let's go find them! They seem to be hiding out in this strange cave...oh god...it is a breeding ground for hundreds of raptors! How in the holy hell did they figure out how to poorly render that many dinosaurs at one time? And now the ground is shaking....this cave is also an active volcano! Quick, to the boat, while the main bad guy gets eaten by a dinosaur even bigger than the raptors! Okay, whew, we escaped, but look, there are three raptors swimming after our boat as we leave, this must mean there will be a sequel someday, right? Well, in the meantime, I am going to divorce a 4th wife and star in a reality show that lasts two episodes. I'll be back, Raptor Island! And this time, with Dreamcast caliber graphics!
Pros:
1. When I see Lorenzo Lamas, it reminds me of my days as a child in the summertime, watching back to back episodes of The Renegade and The Highlander tv show. Which reminded me of the main character from the Highlander show, who in my mind, reminded me of Ross from Friends. Thank you Raptor Island.
2. After attempting to watch this movie twice, and falling asleep both times, I was still able to follow the plot. Let's give the writing team a hand.
3. I found the chick in this movie to be attractive, in a "hey, I've already had 4 beers, and you are the only girl at this sausage fest" kind of way.
4. The guns the guys were using made me want to play some Call of Duty.
5. Lorenzo Lamas finally cut his pony tail.
Cons:
1. Not once did I actually get to see the raptors eat anyone. All I got was a close up of a dinosaur in a biting stance, a scream from a person, and then a pile of bloody chunks that always seemed to be just barely in the picture. THOSE BITCHES WERE HUNGRY!
2. This movie retails for $22 dollars at Best Buy.
3. One of the guys shot like three baby raptors, and by shot I mean blew them in half. They were pretty cute and harmless, so this made me a little sad.
4. Nobody said any one-liners about making dinosaurs extinct while shooting them.
5.The possibility of a sequel.
So there it is. If you are looking for a movie with dinosaurs, the lastest in 1994 computer graphics, a shitty plot, and a volcano, keep looking. There has to be something better than this.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Far Cry
This movie was doomed from the get-go. First off, it is based on a video game, a stigma that is almost always associated with complete failure, except in a few select cases. Secondly, it is directed by fucking Uwe Boll.
Who is Uwe Boll, you ask? Well, he is a total dickbag from Germany who finances his movies with his own money and doesn't have any clue how to make a decent film. His greatest hits include: Alone in the Dark, The House of the Dead, Blood Rayne, and Postal. And of course, by greatest hits, I mean total fucking garbage.
For example, in his film House of the Dead, he had the bright idea to splice in footage of the 32 bit arcade game in the middle of the major action sequences of the movie. Maybe it was to distract the people watching from the fact that he somehow screwed up a zombie movie, something that is pretty hard to do.
The third offense this movie is guilty of is the fact that it doesn't even follow the story of the game it is based on. There are simularities, sure, but it takes a complete retard to take the plot of a first person shooter game and make it even worse. This game was about a pissed off American ex-army type who gets his boat blown up and wants some revenge. In the game you get to stalk your foes in a dense jungle setting and use creative traps to take them out, in any order that you wish.
In the shitty movie version, the main character is like an even shittier version of Jean Claude Van Damme, and he cracks dumbass jokes the whole time and even asks a girl how good he was at fucking her on a scale of 1-10.
In all honesty, I fell asleep for a good portion of the movie towards the end, and I really didn't feel like any of the plot escaped me. What sucks is that this pile of shit has so much money that he can keep buying the rights to all your favorite video games, make shitty shitty movies out of them, and nobody can do dick about it. He even has a stable of B-actors that keep signing up to star in these crap fests. Goddamn Michael Madsen was in Blood Rayne, as was fucking GHANDI.
Okay, well even though it was a pile of steaming shit, I still try to find something to like in every movie I watch, so here is an attempt at a Pros and Cons list:
Pros:
1. The cover of the movie resembles the cover of the game.
2. Most of the names remained unchanged.
3. It was only an hour and a half long.
4. I almost saw boobs.
5. There were a few explosions.
Cons:
1. The main character was German
2. I almost saw Boobs.
3. It was an hour and a half long.
4. The director apparently wrote the movie after reading the plot of the game on Wikipedia.
5. The movie has a fat sidekick who wasn't in the game who just whines about his bad back and his meatball sub that went overboard during a boring boat chase.
Well there you have it. Most of you who know me know that I will defend movies that others find to be, well, shitty, so you have to understand that if I think a movie is shitty, you know it has to be complete shit. And that is what this blog will be about; movies that just suck, and there is no defending them.
P.S. Uwe Boll can eat a big fat dick.
Who is Uwe Boll, you ask? Well, he is a total dickbag from Germany who finances his movies with his own money and doesn't have any clue how to make a decent film. His greatest hits include: Alone in the Dark, The House of the Dead, Blood Rayne, and Postal. And of course, by greatest hits, I mean total fucking garbage.
For example, in his film House of the Dead, he had the bright idea to splice in footage of the 32 bit arcade game in the middle of the major action sequences of the movie. Maybe it was to distract the people watching from the fact that he somehow screwed up a zombie movie, something that is pretty hard to do.
The third offense this movie is guilty of is the fact that it doesn't even follow the story of the game it is based on. There are simularities, sure, but it takes a complete retard to take the plot of a first person shooter game and make it even worse. This game was about a pissed off American ex-army type who gets his boat blown up and wants some revenge. In the game you get to stalk your foes in a dense jungle setting and use creative traps to take them out, in any order that you wish.
In the shitty movie version, the main character is like an even shittier version of Jean Claude Van Damme, and he cracks dumbass jokes the whole time and even asks a girl how good he was at fucking her on a scale of 1-10.
In all honesty, I fell asleep for a good portion of the movie towards the end, and I really didn't feel like any of the plot escaped me. What sucks is that this pile of shit has so much money that he can keep buying the rights to all your favorite video games, make shitty shitty movies out of them, and nobody can do dick about it. He even has a stable of B-actors that keep signing up to star in these crap fests. Goddamn Michael Madsen was in Blood Rayne, as was fucking GHANDI.
Okay, well even though it was a pile of steaming shit, I still try to find something to like in every movie I watch, so here is an attempt at a Pros and Cons list:
Pros:
1. The cover of the movie resembles the cover of the game.
2. Most of the names remained unchanged.
3. It was only an hour and a half long.
4. I almost saw boobs.
5. There were a few explosions.
Cons:
1. The main character was German
2. I almost saw Boobs.
3. It was an hour and a half long.
4. The director apparently wrote the movie after reading the plot of the game on Wikipedia.
5. The movie has a fat sidekick who wasn't in the game who just whines about his bad back and his meatball sub that went overboard during a boring boat chase.
Well there you have it. Most of you who know me know that I will defend movies that others find to be, well, shitty, so you have to understand that if I think a movie is shitty, you know it has to be complete shit. And that is what this blog will be about; movies that just suck, and there is no defending them.
P.S. Uwe Boll can eat a big fat dick.
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